Pretty Eggs

Eggs, you say? Yes, eggs. But not just any eggs. The kinds that your mom collects. Those fancy ones. (I felt the need to look it up after seeing today's Google logo) These things are made with all sorts of crystals and fanceh stuffs. Very pretteh.

Storytime!

I like writing. I haven't done full-length stories in a while, but sometimes I come up with these pretty good concepts in the middle of the night and just lie there and let it all form inside my mind. So I will definitely start putting little excerpts of these on here.



"Please tell me when this will all be over," she whispered, as she closed her eyes and tried to control her breathing. She curled up into a crevice in a large tree and waited silently for a cue. She looked to fragile, so afraid, that I felt weak in my knees to think that this delicate creature depended on me for her survival. If I were able to touch her, I would. If only I could. My desperation, a craving to extend my arm and lay my hand on her shoulder to assure that everything was going to be alright would never be satisfied.

Minutes passed as I looked all around for the coast to be clear. The guards were gone, now. All the men left back to the kingdom, probably would return for another search in an hour or so. "Barely enough time," I muttered to myself. Luckily for me, she could not hear me. No one could. But since my departure she had been able to pick up on these little traces of me left behind. The queen was sure she had gone mad when she found her mumbling to herself alone in her bedroom. They had put her through so much. Tests, doctors, priests of all sorts came and tried to "cure" her of this strange disease, this curse. But how no one could even come close to feeling the pain that my curse is, to be stuck here on this land, wandering because you cannot leave the one you love. I love her. I can't leave her. So, doomed I am in this misery, following her around. I feel like such a burden, so selfish. If I were just able to have left her, she would have been spared from all this. I just can't force myself to leave her.. I gave her the signal.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

The forest would be safe, for now. The willows shivered, a breeze blew through the clearing and I felt goosebumps from the back of my neck to the bottom of my spine. There, there through the clearing was where we would go.This was her way of communicating with me. Mother doesn't believe me. She refuses to accept that her daughter is gone. She's always had a preference for her... Clarissa. My sister. But ever since she passed, Mother's been nothing but a mad wreck. She's been devastated since she left. She doesn't even talk to me anymore. Clarissa was the only thing that ever held us together.

So when I started talking to her again, mother told me I was mad. She said to stop believing in crazy things and to stop torturing her with my made-up stories. If only she could feel her, like I do. If only she weren't gone, if everything could be back to normal, and we could live like we used to. I'd do anything to bring her back if I could. Anything.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

She looks so peaceful. Sleeping. I can't touch her. I mustn't. So I sit in silence and stare at her asleep. I take her all in with my eyes. She's not exactly what you'd call pretty. But I find her to be the most beautiful girl ever. Her skin, her messy, wavy, dark hair, falling over her face. Unable to resist, I kiss her forehead. I immediately pull back. She starts convulsing, I feel weak. Lights blur all around me, my head spins. Her eyes flutter, open and shut, open and shut. I'm struggling to stay strong for her, but the world spins non-stop and I feel myself, weaker and weaker. What have I done?

Everything turns off.

Imperfection

YOLO, redefined.

One of my friends has openly expresssed her hatred for the term, YOLO. What does it mean? Well, depends on who's saying it, who's hearing it. For many kids, it's an excuse to act like a completely selfish and idiotic jerkbag who does selfish and idiotic things.


Others actually find meaning behind it and use it as a term for empowerment in their own life.

Me? I have yet to find out what it means for me, but I guess I'll figure it out once I start living by my own advice. For now this is all I have to say:



Meanwhile, here is a new definition I think S. will enjoy a lot.



Welcome.

The Teenager Posts are Back!

Ok, this one's me ;D

Remember it.

Growing up.

Today was the day that the Seniors of my school left. So... this is it. I'm a Junior. This is going to be my most hectic year, with colleges to keep in mind, clubs to join, and I just might have to postpone that job I was thinking about getting. It hasn't even completely settled into my mind. The fact that I'm in high school, this is reality, I'm graduating in 2 years, and I'll be off to college in less than the blink of an eye. Life goes by so quickly, you know? But the more you pay attention to the little details, and learn to slow time down for yourself and enjoy those little moments, you realize that time could almost last forever if you wanted it to. And so, it finally settled in that I AM a high-schooler, this IS real, and my life is changing before my very eyes. (I'm going to write something remotely similar yet probably 10 times as long the day of my graduation, so excuse me for starting up the waterworks before the event has even come.) And today was also a very important day for two of my friends. C finally fessed up to her crush, and so did S. Both faced all opposing odds and possible hurt and decided to go ahead and tell them how they felt. And I realized... the guy I like is going to be a senior. Dear God... I mean, technically he IS already, now that they're all gone. All my friends in 11th grade, moving on to become the top of the school. What am I going to do? I've been pondering lately, whether I should tell him or not. Before or after school ends.. you know? If I do it after, then there will be those empty, sad and lonely 2 months of summer and separation, and maybe any feelings either he has or I have will die out by next fall. If I do it before, things might get a little awkward, since we still have 2 weeks of school left. Or there could be a small chance, that you know, he says he likes me too.. but then what? I'm not allowed to date. I'm not asking for a boyfriend at this moment. BUT WHATEVER, I WANT ONE! Finally, after all this time and after so many heartbreaks, am I really going to let this go? It's not even the fact that it's HIM, specifically. It's the fact that I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE with someone like him. The idea of me, dating someone who likes me back for once is just too good to pass up. (Katy Perry's The One That Got Away, anyone?) Am I going to hide my very first boyfriend from my parents? Or will I be the stupid, little good girl like I've always been and follow their wishes? My mother.. she knows about him. She says she approves of me going out with a guy she thinks is good for me, but when I actually mention a name, she gets sketchy and is awkward so... yeah. My dad.. I've started to care a lot less about his opinion since he just has an illogical way of thinking. He expects me to be this small, baby girl who will always be there. It's understandable... but still. It's kind of selfish, if it means ruining my life's experiences growing up. Recently I was invited to my friend, K,'s birthday party. A sleepover. And I ask him and he says... "Well... I'll think about it." In my mind, and because of past experiences, I've gathered that "I'll think about it" translates to, "I'm not going to think about it at all because this subject makes me nervous and I don't want to lose you and please never grow up and we're done talking about this." I'm 16 and I can't even sleep over at one of my close friend's house?!?! So, what are you going to do when I'm freaking 18 and I can legally do what I want? Will you clutch onto my legs and drag across the floor as I beg for you to let go? What about MY freedom, MY right to do what I want? So... I'm not going to be able to stay over. He still gets anxious when I even bring up the topic of parties, let alone BOYS. Oh no, NEVER MARRIAGE. -_- *sigh*

But, whatever. I'm going to decide my future. As much as it hurts me to leave him, leave my mom, my brother and the thought of growing up and getting older scares me and makes me cry, that's the whole point to life and the beauty of it. The chance to experience new things, and take those experiences and learn from them and form something beautiful out of them. All of it forms you. Who you are and who you become. Who you'll influence in life. If I never get the chance to express that now, experience it now with the safety net of my parent's love and support and financial guidance while I still have it, I'll never get to learn. I'll never get to make mistakes and... bleh.

They grow up so fast...

Meet me: but not me.

I've always liked Lady GaGa; her crazy outspoken, unafraid of controversy and fun-loving persona just makes me want to hug her so much and thank her for inspiring me. The MTV Music Awards are coming up (of which I don't care that much) and I remember something getting the media abuzz last year: Jo Calderone. You could say I had a crush. His tough exterior, unclassy smoking and drinking habits and attitude gave me this weird feeling in the pits of my stomach, although I knew it was GaGa under all that garb. Yet it didn't take much to transform this woman into a strikingly similar yet entirely different person, which, to be honest, kinda made me question what I was really into: the person or the act?


Somehow attractive. Don't judge. Look at him...her...it? I give up.

My friends, A. and E., drew characters for themselves. And recently I've been thinking about my character. A person inside me who really doesn't show. Who would I be if I sort-of stereotyped myself? Artists do it all the time. , they draw their characters in their likeness. Musicians become the rockstar they've dreamed of being for that one night. Actors add their own touch into the character they're playing and make a script come alive.

So..? Who would I be? Strange thing to think about. But I've come to the conclusion that I would be many people, actually, as schizophrenic as that sounds. (not to make light of schizophrenia, but, y'know.)

I'm going to talk about these people, use them, write as them, think what they would think, develop new people inside me and have a little fun... I've always wanted to be an actress.

Some Mother's Day this is.

"She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right
By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
So I sit down and I cry too
But don't let her see
And she says, "oh.. I can't take no more"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best but now she can't win
It's hard to see them on the ground..
Her diamonds falling down."

In the hospital with mum. She's been coughing and coughing until she can't breathe anymore for weeks now and vomiting. She fainted a few minutes ago and she's lying down with an IV and hooked up to this machine and I want to cry but I can't. I'm worried sick...

3:33 -3:45 PM
Mom was wheeled to the bathroom and I just.. Burst into tears. I've been holding it since we got here. She's severely anemic, has bronchitis and needs a blood transfusion so I'm staying with her for another day. I don't give a flying fudge about missing school, tests, my friends and the guy I like if it means I get to stay here and support her. I hope everything turns out alright...

9:09 PM
Mom has bronchitis. She ate her lunch and so did I and I'm going to miss school tomorrow.

10:28 PM
Mum got her blood. She's relaxed and I feel calm now. We're lying down in bed, watching TV together. Let's see how it is tomorrow morning. Nite!

Hold the wheel and drive.

"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer..

It's driven me before,
And it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find
that I should be the one
behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms
and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there. I'll be there..."

One of my favorite songs. You can't let fear rule over your life! This is one of the few instances in which I approve of the quote "YOLO". Sometimes I let fear of what will come or what has happened before ruin my chances, but if you never try you'll never even have a chance in the first place. Whatever it is, go for it. I know I will.

Aww!

If you're reading this, it means you care about me enough to know what's going on in my life. I love you too. :)

Wishes

Random wishes

• I wish I was living in a storybook. So I wouldn't have to worry about what the end of my life is going to be. I'd just know.
• I wish I were a flower, so I could be called pretty and nice and be given to someone as a sign of love.
• I wish I could fly, go up high and see everyone and everything and be lighter than a feather. I could spin around and float away and zoom over lakes and rivers.
• I wish I were a famous singer. So I could use my fame and fortune to help the ones who are struggling and actually care about improving their lives and making something out of it. I wish I could sing about my feelings and have fans who want to be like me and I wish could be a good role model.
• I wish I had a job so I could take that money and be able to pay for my mom to go to the clinic. She has a weak immune system and she's fatigued and short-of-breath and coughs violently. I'm scared it'll get worse because she's been like this for almost 2 weeks.
• I wish I had something to believe in. I'm losing faith in my religion and even if there is nothing out there, I want my life to have meaning, be part of something great. But nothing is for sure...
• I wish I could forget school and go crazy, just an entire year of vacation. Have a huge party with all my friends and go on road trips and camp out and visit theme parks and the movies and see the world together. Experience new cultures and see new places.
• I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Do I really want to be a counselor? Help out people that are going through the same things I did once? Do I want to be a nurse? Could I live with myself if I messed up and risked someone's life? Do I want a big house with multiple room to run around and live luxuriously? Or do I want a quaint, cozy, little home in the suburbs or the countryside? Do I really want to be famous, or anonymously brilliant? Do I want to have kids or adopt? Do I still want to live here in America, or live in some foreign country?
• I wish I were me, but I'm still not sure who that is.

Oh, butter.

So aside from the fact that I already have a hole in my uniform shirt due to a faulty dryer, I now have a grease stain running down my back because SOMEONE thought it'd be funny to, as he oh-so cleverly put it, "butter me up"...with literal butter on me. (Lame pun time!) From the moment I saw him, I knew I was toast. You could say she was kind, butter past actions proved otherwise.

Okay, I may or may not have deserved it. Let's just be thankful I didn't throw a milk carton or ketchup packet at him... But dude?!?! Siriusly? I will get back at you, Z. ;P yer better watch yerself.

I have come to the realization that I will not pass my AP exams.

Need I say more?

Bored in Spanish Class

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012 and I am awake.

I feel asleep in my first period class. Like, I was completely knocked out. And we have people living in with us now. We're a house of 7 now. Two families in one. A sort-of young woman, her sweet 13 year old daughter, and a clever 3- year old. I ran around and had  fun in Weight Training today, and C (the obnoxious one) is finally off my back and I'm relieved, despite the fact that he threw a book at me and sulked in the corner.

We have access to the computers becuase Ms. McD is nice enough to let us goof off and do practically nothing for the entire class. I'm really nervous for the chorus audition, and more people than I expected are trying out. I know a few people. I still don't even know what song I'm going to sing and I'm afraid I won't be prepared by the time that the audition date comes around, so I'll miss out on something big, like I always do. I still want to plan that event/ picnic thing at the park. I'm thinking that everyone could bring something and what I wanted to do originally is for us to have a grillout and have a field day with soccer, frisbee, and games like that. I never get to do things like that and I wish I could, but I don't. I have no social life other than school, and school doesn't count.

Bleagh blargitar. I sound like a woe-is-me pity party of one.

I need to start doing stuff.

The school campaigning is driving me nuts. If I don't want to vote for you, I don't want to vote for you and that's final. Most of the school takes it like a popularity contest, who can get the most friends on their side and who's the most interesting. That's why our funds aren't at the best they could be. I'd like to run but I have no skills whatsoever. And by skills I mean, I can't handle or work with the people in my grade. I have good ideas, but no. JUST NO.

The peeps are playing Scrabble. Adieu.

I'm not hyper, just confused and overwhelmed. Help me.

Okay I have a lot to say now so let's get goin'. I'm currently really confused as to who I like and don't like. Or if I like anyone at all. I hope it's just a temporary thing because it's really bothering me to be thinking about more than one guy at once. Two of them are close friends, one taken, one not. Another is a classmate whom I'm starting to get to know. And I'm not even sure I like him anymore. If I said I didn't, I would be lying but if I said I did I wouldn't be telling the truth either. I'm not sure I like anyone at all. This has not happened before. I am annoyed, but not at that, at the fact that I can't put myself together while everyone seems to be doing fine. I don't want a boyfriend but at the same time I do, I don't want a job but at the same time I do, I don't want to have to deal with people but at the same time I know I need them more than ever. And I don't know what I want but I know what I'm looking for and nobody seems to be giving me that. It is driving me nuts. It's like a sort of crisis most of you will probably never understand and I hope you never have to go through it because it feels like my mind is blowing up everywhere and I feel like I'm going nuts because of it. I'm just really not focused on anything because I'm too focused on everything and this is a horrible time for this to happen with the year coming to an end and my AP exams coming up and that picnic I want to plan and what I want to do in the summer and I just need something stable in my life for once, you know?!?!?! God, I'm going mental and I think it shows in the way I'm rambling right now, in fact all the words in my mind and my fingers nearly do not type as fast as what my mind is creating. Think of it as a train with no brakes or better yet as global warming, how we're using up more fossil fuels than are being created so technically, we're using future energy and are stressing and stretching the environment's resources. I feel this way: my mind is going at superspeed and my body cannot catch up. I want to collapse and freeze the world so I can have the time to think this out and straighten myself again then unpause it all so I don't get left behind. I think I have some mental issue like with my poor concentration skills because this, now that I remember, has happened before, a lot, since kindergarten. All my teachers complained I was a daydreamer but I think it was really my imagination going wild so I had to tune out everyone in order to live the daydream right. Sorry if all of this confuses you but if you can relate to it then please tell me what is going on with me so I can fix myself again. Seriously, if you're my friend and I seem either "hyper" tomorrow or seem lost and out of it and spacey, calm me down and bring me back to Earth and guide me back to reality. Please. As much as it may bother me.

Let me tell you something.

I haven't been on here in the longest time. Surprisingly, I've also been off the computer for a long time but I HAVE been blogging in another place. I have another blog, a completely private one. No, you cannot see, hear or read about it and I don't think you ever will. I was thinking of publishing it anonymously as a book in the far future, but now I think will not because I am a coward with many horrible secrets. This blog is almost (key word almost) like a friend to me, one which I can totally confide in, even more than I could ever trust in any human, ever. (Yes I sound like a lonely psychopath right now, but I could care less.) I'm sorry, but I will definitely not be writing as often on here anymore, but fret not readers, as this is not goodbye. Occasionally, I will post blurbs (my new fav word) of the Private Blog that I have pre-approved to go on here and you will find out of a few juicy details and gossip that you care about blah blah Google chair dinosaur.

May I ask you...

Haha. First day of May. Get it? It's pun. I like puns! ...Shut up.

Do you ever wonder:

• Do we see the same colors other people do? Is my yellow your green? The same exact shade and lightness?
• What if your entire life is just a simulation, or a dream?
• What if you "woke" up one day to find out that in the day you had lived yesterday you died?
• Who invented cooking? Were most of our discoveries back when we didn't have records accidents? How did we come up with the idea of setting food on fire to make it taste better?
• How do you know you are you and not someone else? Could you be being controlled by someone else or something else right now?
• How can you describe a scent to someone who's never smelled before? (same with sight, taste, etc.)
• Why can we touch and see things if most of it is empty space? How the hell does an electron, such a tiny thing, move so fast it's everywhere at once? Is it a particle or a wave? Would that mean it's made of light or some form of plasma, since plasma has tons of energy, yet still takes up space, but plasma loses mass because it's in a high-energy state and.. it shouldn't be taking up space in that case and.. gahhhhh?!!?!? And if, in that case, everything were made of fast moving particles how do we get different states of matter? If all atoms are mainly composed of these high-energy electrons, shouldn't everything be hot?
• Energy never dies. Then what happens if you pass out or go to sleep or die? Where has the energy gone and why can't you see it?
• Why are we here...?
• Is there some sort of non-verbal agreement amongst teenagers that practically everyone has to be jerks in high school? (not a "real" question, just throwin' that out there)
• How long are we meant to live? What if we haven't been meeting our potential life expectancy or we're actually stretching it beyond what we should be living?
• Do animals see otherworldly things?
• The average human only uses 2-3% of their brain capacity. What would we be capable of doing if we could use 100% of our brains? Would we even be human?
• If everyone were good, would there still be evil?
• If we threw stuff into space, what would be the chances, if possible, that the stuff came back?
• What is life REALLY about?