the life of michelle: August 2014

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Things I've been wanting to do

a post started on 5/25/2013, 2:30 PM and only revisited today

sit around a fire with some of my not so closest friends and learn about each other
take up karate again. I did it for a short while in my elementary school days. It was the fun kind of hard work, it was rewarding, it was cool to see the other people who had different belts and had been training hard for years, and to dream of going against them someday. There was a lot of discipline that went into it.
nighttime drives in strange parking lots and the backs of buildings
climbing a fire escape and sit on the rooftop
thrift shop with friends
create my own cake recipe
be invited to a sleepover

Saturday, August 23, 2014

i dont know

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to think.

I'm supposed to be crying right now, right? Or maybe have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that my world is ending and that I'm going to sit in my room for the next few days in darkness, disheveled and dirty? But I'm not. This doesn't feel that way. For once I stepped into some relative comfort, although I can't tell whether it's just my body being in such shock that I can't feel much or that I'm too distant from all of this to truly deeply feel affected. Or maybe this all has been coming at me for too long, from all sides, that I saw it coming and I DENIED DENIED DENIED it. Or I set it off to the side and put it away for later.

A post within a post:

Michelle has to grow up.
It is not until I actually face the fear of losing you that I realize how much you mean to me. I realize how everything I do and say and think is not about me anymore. I’ve been selfish. I’ve been ignorant and I’ve once again hurt someone I’ve gotten close to. We never realize how much we affect people until we step back and see what we’ve done.

But who’s to say I’m the only one to blame? Or that you are? The people we are, our pasts, our thoughts, our goals for the future are not about just us.

I don’t want anything more than for you to not suffer. The good feeling in my heart that came out of nowhere when I first met you was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. I have led other people to do things they were not okay with. They have all fled, rightly so. You don't deserve to be another person who flees because of me, but you also don't deserve to be a person that stays and gets hurt, maybe even more than the previous people have been.

But just as Shaun said, I'm too hard on myself, and I shouldn't be.

However, it's only fair that this once again rests on the person that's most affected by it: and that's you. Give me another chance if you think I deserve it, if you think we deserve it. Or turn around 180 degrees and flee the fuck out of here, find someone better. The world is so large you can definitely find someone better if you really want to. I always feel like I deserve another heartbreak.

At the same time, I am so goddamn tired of them.

Song Quotes

"We'll all float on."
"Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say."
"And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day... kinda counted on you being a friend. Can I give it up or give it away? Now I thought about what I wanna say, but I never really know where to go so I chained myself to a friend, 'cause I know it unlocks like a door."
"My gears, they grind more each day, and I feel like they're gonna grind away. And the city blocks, they drive me wild, they're never ending, mile after mile. I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you."
"It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.."
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try."
"I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop."
"We all need somebody to lean on."
"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one, but both of us."
"Nothin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change."
"I took my love down to violet hill... There we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, said 'If you love me, won't you let me know?'"
"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
"If you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time. If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting... time after time."
"If every second counts on a clock that's tickin', gotta live like we're dying."
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon... trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too.. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon?"
"Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing.... you are perfect... to me."
"I want love to roll me over slowly, stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around. I want love to grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground."
"But I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here?!? I don't belong here..."
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like heaven."
"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved..."