ATTACK

Less than 3 days ago I had a triggered anxiety attack, but I had a few good people help me through it. It didn't last more than an hour.

Today, I started getting anxious during church again. The pastor's words resonated in my head and tried my best to focus on the lecture, both out of respect for the religion I used to be a part of and because I was geniunely interested in his words. All of a sudden, my hands started to shake and my body started itching to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I sneaked out before I became too noticable, and walked to the local park once again. The drizzles and gusts of wind added to my confusion and soon I ended up crouching underneath the bleachers and sneaking around before anyone could notice me.

I called a hotline, with no luck. 15 minutes on hold as I was trying hard to compose myself. I felt so hopeful yesterday. And in that moment I felt hopeless. When the people from church started flooding out, I tried my best to avoid any sort of contact, almost running into a car.

My stomach hurts and my legs aren't stable. There's a lump in my throat and I can't say anything because the people who are supposed to understand don't understand. My hands are shaking as I type, enough to be concerning to only myself, but not enough to be noticable to the outside world. I thought I had conquered this. My battle is never over, it seems.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I just want to let you know that you're never the only one.

night poetry

friendship fears

finding ways to connect

     gosh, i feel so unwanted.

fears chant

     stupid....     ...annoying...          ..useless
hush, i say.

 ONLINE
mouse moving
    approaching
           [click]
                    no. wait.
what to say, what to say
maybe nothing.
no. dont think, just do.
you are loved.
you are wanted.
but you're not.
yes, you are.
...no.
these are your friends.
you're not important.
...
...
[7:30 PM] me: hi.

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” 

― Lois Lowry, The Giver

Sexuality is complicated.

Life is not black or white. It's a wonderful spectrum.

Three panel stories

By the way, sorry for the hiatus. My emotions (and subsequent lack of them) have made me feel really weird lately.

I found this website that I posted a few pictures from months ago. Here are those pictures.

they are here

the feelings the thoughts the worries the pains

they want to be felt

Watch "How To Be a Baby Properly" on YouTube

Link instead of embedded video because not all mobile devices are optimized to do these things sorry :(

Nobody hates me more than I hate me. I'll never be anything in life.

Thank you mother for reassuring me of that.

"Follow your dreams," they say.

I really wish I could practice acting more.

I was originally going to audition for the school play for next fall, but the fact that there are people who are actually in the drama class and have experience intimidates me... I'm not as attractive or charismatic like other people are. At least, I don't feel like I am.

All I have is myself, all I can do is practice in front of a mirror. I'll dance in my room, and choreograph entire ballets and dance-off battles in my head. I'll pick up someone else's flithy cigarette while walking down the street and imagine myself to be a cheap hooker, or sing and prance like a Disney princess on a sunny day, I'll switch moods in the middle of a conversation and smile to myself because I'm having so much fun with it, and I'll recite made-up lines from a movie that I'll never write... Gosh, I've tried so many times to write a short story, only to leave them half-done.

I already have chorus, though. My parents don't understand how much I really love the Arts. Sure I'm in Encore, and sure I've gone to Disney with my group to perform, and other high schools for our competitions, but I need to expand.

My mother says academics come first. But I'm not going to be happy with life if all I'm being judged on is how good I am at math, science, english and social studies and whether or not I have a job involving either of those. I'm an artistic person, and while others are happy pursuing whatever they're passionate for and being supported, I'm stuck, torn between finding some refuge in just English and Science and wanting to ditch all the "respectable" electives for "silly" and "easy" classes.

Over the summer, I'm going to make/sell (read as: try to sell) jewelry, continue learning German and give up on my dream of being in a band. With all the limitations of being an "irresponsible student" and having parents that are stricter than your grandparents, I can't say I'll do much for sure.

Hopefully Senior year will give me what I've been longing to have. Creative Writing, Chorus, Digital Video and Sound, Advanced Art and a Literature class should make this one of my best years.

Seniorbound

Here's to everyone who helped me get through this school year, and to my last week of being a high school Junior!

(by the way that is totally not a picture of my mom's Mother's Day bouquet :P )