FAME!

"I wanna live forever, light up the sky like a flame!"

Okay, so maybe I don't.
Okay, I do.
But it's not a priority. More of a perk.

Anyways. Have I ever told you how badly I want to become famous?
At least a little.
Oh come on.
Pls.
Sosiety pls.
I will do anything to get there:
• Become an attention hog
• Abandon all my belongings
• Sell my soul (plot twist: I have none, I'm a potato)
• Sell things on the black market
• Sell myself, do you favors...

das right
anything u want bby.

Jk.
I'm not like that.

But I seriously want to at least gain a bit of recognition for what I love to do.

Make wonderful, deep, feel-all-the-feels kind of music. (And then some weird, vague, sounds-good-but-the-lyrics-make-no-sense kind of music, the kind that you would get high to or go on an escapade with).

I'd love to do covers to my favorite bands, do requests, write original stuff and produce everything I ever felt and dreamt of and haven't felt and will dream of... all the heartbreak, all the lovey-dovey-ness of relationships, all the madness, all the anger and frustration, all the calm, the mellows, the little joys, the lessons and revelations life brings me.

And I'd share it with, well, everyone.

I would have started making my videos on YouTube a looong time ago... if it were that easy.

I'll admit it, just this once.

I'm soft.

No, seriously. I'm afraid of criticism. Being on camera is scary, because my expectations are really high for myself and I feel like I'd never do good enough and I'm not pretty enough and my image would be "Hipster-like Individualistic Awkward Weirdo" and no one would like that so I'd just look like an awkward lonely fool on camera.

And my all work would live on the Internet, forever, to shame me forever.

But enough of my insecurities.

If I were to get rid of all those insecurities, the one main concerning thing would be:
would I ever get my old life back?
Would I want to?

I guess I'm just afraid of change.
Or at least not knowing what could or could not happen, were I to pursue a music career as a full-time thing.

There's a lot to be done, and I'm almost 18. I mean, I feel a bit old to start getting experience but it never really IS too late to try, is it?

I'd have to learn how to actually read sheet music, to begin with.
(I know, embarrassing.)
And play at least two instruments.
Likely piano. Or maybe guitar. Saxophone. Violin. Cello. Xylophone.
...Triangle?
I'd like to take Music Theory and History of Music. Just load myself with anything even remotely related to music (and maybe dance, too. I love dance. And drama. DAMMIT Novice, make up your mind.)

But then, I'd also have to start mingling with people to get myself out there and know "all the right people in all the right place" AND PEOPLE SCARE ME I'M SO SHY (and especially afraid of rejection) DESPITE MY WEIRDO COULDN'T-GIVE-A-DAMN EXTERIOR I AM SO AWKWARD
Asdfhhjlanabxbsjxj

T.T

And where would the line between pastime and profession be at? What would the pressures of having to produce be?
I mean, music will always be a love for me but I'm afraid of losing the spark, ya know?

Would I even be a solo act? Or do I want to be with people?

Indecision, that is my middle name.
(My first name is, of course, Jojo Tiddlywinks.)

I would definitely donate a large portion of profits to various charities and select people who help me out and are just my friends because they have been my friends (BECAUSE WHY NOT)

But I don't want to become stuffy and snooty and name charity organizations after myself. That's gross.

Despite all my worries and  insecurities, becoming an artist sounds like a lot of work and fun and awesome and exciting

Wyejsbasfjsksbansixns
Babies. Nom.

Anyways, I think I'm staring to make less sense, and it's 1:13 in the AM, and I'm going back and editing because it got really weird, so I should at least pretend to sleep now.

*When I go into the music scene (if I ever do put these wishes to work instead of dwelling on dreams) I promise you I will remember you and keep you close to my heart and soul.

Signing off for the night
(or morning, whatevs)

-ExperiencedNovice

I Don't Like You

a generic free-verse love-in-denial poem

I don't like you.
I don't like the way you smile.
I don't love your smirks and the way
the corners of your eyes crinkle when you laugh at me.
I don't love making you laugh.
I don't think about you a lot.
Not on my way to school.
Not right before we go to class.
Not when your presence clouds me
Like a velvety blanket of warmth and comfort.
Nope.

I don't like you.
I don't like the way you walk down the hallway.
I don't like how you seem so strong, how you stand tall above all the others;
Yet I know that you have your weak moments
And inside, you can be as weak as I am.
I don't like that you can hold strong on the outside.
I don't like that.
Nope.

I don't like the way you make me feel.
I don't like it when you notice when I'm gone, when you talk to me when I'm here, when you give me space when I need it.
I don't like being comfortable but nervous around you.
I don't like not liking the feeling of knowing that I might like you.
I don't like it.
I don't like you.

I don't.

...I can't.

No.

NOTES:
So yeah. Idk. This is about no one... in particular... Or is it? (HAHA NOW YOU'RE CONFUSED)

P.s. It's not.
P.p.s. It is.
P.p.p.s. Are you still reading?
P.p.p.p.s It's definitely about you.

Bleh. Teenage feels give me inspiration.
Derp.

Thoughts on Girl-Crushing and Sexuality

So I was having a talk with one of my good friends, and he briefly mentioned someone.

We'll call her Lynn.

Now Lynn and I have been semi-friends for a long time now. Not semi because we are "on and off" friends or anything. Only because I know her well, but not too well.

Anyways. Another of my friends Cathy has been good friends (I don't know how close they are but I'd say they're definitely closer than Lynn and I are) with Lynn for a while, and when I first heard her talk about Lynn, I'll be honest, I was jealous. The way she talked about her, the way everything she did was great and funny and cute, made me feel like I could never be as good as her.

And when I actually met her, wow... She was like me. What I am known for (or at least hope I am known for) is my weird randomness, and a few people say I can be cute (as in squeaky little thing cute, not attractive cute). But she was all this and more. She was pretty. Cute. Attractive, pretty, cute. Spunky. Likeable by everyone, or at least I thought so. She was this charismatic ball of sunshine and I couldn't help but "fall in love" with her as Cathy had. She was the perfect friend for Cathy, and suddenly I felt inadequate.

And in my tendency to temporarily obsess over new friends, I couldn't help but want to hang out with her and take in that charismatic aura she radiated and hopefully become more like her myself.

But is wasn't as simple as that. I thought she was really cute. Really.But was she CUTE cute? Or was I just really amazed by her in a neutral, non-romantic way?

I'm not sure.

I liked her quirks.
Her giggles. Her random noises. The things she made and the way she did her hair differently and how it always looked nice.

But in the same way I liked a guy's laughs, a guy's quirkiness, and his appearance?

I'm not sure.

I could imagine myself spending time with her, holding her hand, snuggling into her neck and holding her, but not being a deep and serious couple like I could with this other guy I really liked.

I thought what it would be like, though.

But when I thought about it, it didn't really give me the butterflies like it did with that other guy.

So why was I so obsessed? Was it jealousy that made me like her so much, like something twisted from the Black Swan where the prima ballerina seduces the ex-top dancer with her perfection?

I don't know.

And it's happened with one or two other girls too.

But I thought about it. There's only been one or two girls I've crushed on like that, and I ended up not liking them like that at all after a while.

As opposed to guys I've liked... I don't completely stop liking them. Unless they kick puppies. Even then... Kidding. (or am I?)

I figured that if were really bisexual, I wouldn't have to reason my way into liking girls like it came naturally with guys.

Final answer: So as of now (and what it seems like it will remain being) I'm straight, and maybe just a bit bi-romantic, if that makes sense.

Bleh.

I'm just a really lame and cheesy, cliché-loving blob of hidden sappiness with average human issues.

Love to hate me or hate to love me.

Gender doesn't matter to me when showing people I care about that I love them.

I can want to give a girl or a guy a love note saying how awesome they are for being them.

I'm the kind of person who loves physical contact as a means of expression (although I will admit it's awkward with certain people for no reason like I just can't-). It's easier and more comfortable that way to get emotions across.

And sometimes (sorry to make you paranoid that I might be secretly enjoying your hugs a little too much) I'll wonder if I love you as a friend or as something more.

...I guess I'm still going to be curious for a while.

I hope you understand this.

Or at least respect it.

You'll still love me, won't you?

Just.. Maybe not that way back.

Whatevs. I'm forever alone either way. :P

blergh im so fulll

i have no clue what im doing but hellloooo strangers
im bored
like really bored
like so bored im doing this for no reason
so bored ive abandoned my old grammarnazi ways
and am just
type
type
typing away
woohoo
im full
i just ate dinner
THATS RIGHT DINNER
thanksgiving dinner
mershed perterters
grerver
terker
early
im so full
blehhhhh
text me jerks.

Letter to whoever

I just want peace.

Is that so much to ask for?

I just want a normal life, with weirdness on the side. I want to be able to count on my dad whenever I need his support and for him to be able to trust me and to be able to let me go just a little more. I want to be able to go to school and not incessantly worry about illogical and unlikely things.

I had someone. I lost them. I'm still trying to move on.

I want to be able to have something stable in my life for once. I mean, that's pretty difficult as is for a female teenager, but STILL. Come on, life.

I want good grades. I want to stop comparing myself to my friends with better grades. I want to take peoples' advice and invite people over to my house BUT I'M SO FREAKIN' EMBARRASSED to.

afsldjfhkajsdhfkjewkah BAH.

I want to have money to be able to buy my friends presents for their birthdays and chrismahannukwanzaa presents and be able to buy things I want but then that might make me spoiled and

bleh

random llama.

idk here

I'm not sure why I'm doing this but HERE
i felt like this was necessary
you'll get it if you're the person this was intended for

Florence + The Machine

Time for Tips

Whoa. Last week has been really stressful. I've learned a lot. Really, a LOT. About myself, about relationships, about life.

Someone told me something pretty big. And of course, I got upset. But you know what? Despite the fact that it made me sad, there are a lot of good things that came out of it.

I realize what I was doing was affecting the people around me. I'll be honest, I had given up for a while (as noted in the overwhelming amount of negative and fluctuating posts) and I was tired. I mean I'm tired and stressed right now again, but that's besides the point. Life is an ongoing struggle. Hush, hush.

Anyways. Last week opened my eyes, and overall, this week... has been better.

Here are things I've learned this week:

1. No matter how bleak things seem and how lonely you feel, there IS or WILL BE someone out there for you. They could be found in the unlikeliest of places or right under your nose.
2. Bad things WILL happen. This is a given. But you get right back up again and hope for better days. It sucks, whatever. Don't continue being upset by it. What you're unhappy about, change. And what is unchangeable, work to make the best of it.
3. Look and find lessons in everything.
4. You are not perfect. Everyone has one flaw or two. Or many. But don't hate yourself for it. Don't put yourself down after making a mistake. For who has ever said "I learned so much" by being continuously successful? There is no room for improvement if you are already at the top.

Anyways... that's my not-so-random thoughts for now.

Your unconditional lover, Experienced Novice ♥

Hostess, GONE.

you've probably heard the news.

Hostess Brands is Closed.We are sorry to announce that Hostess Brands, Inc. has been forced by a Bakers Union strike to shut down all operations and sell all company assets. For more information, go to hostessbrands.info. Thank you for all of your loyalty and support over the years.

HOSTESS BRANDS TO WIND DOWN COMPANY AFTER BCTGM UNION STRIKE CRIPPLES OPERATIONS
Friday, November 16, 2012 at 7:00AM
Irving, TX – November 16, 2012 – Hostess Brands Inc. today announced that it is winding down operations and has filed a motion with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court seeking permission to close its business and sell its assets, including its iconic brands and facilities. Bakery operations have been suspended at all plants. Delivery of products will continue and Hostess Brands retail stores will remain open for several days in order to sell already-baked products.
The Board of Directors authorized the wind down of Hostess Brands to preserve and maximize the value of the estate after one of the Company’s largest unions, the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM), initiated a nationwide strike that crippled the Company’s ability to produce and deliver products at multiple facilities.
On Nov. 12, Hostess Brands permanently closed three plants as a result of the work stoppage. On Nov. 14, the Company announced it would be forced to liquidate if sufficient employees did not return to work to restore normal operations by 5 p.m., EST p.m., Nov. 15. The Company determined on the night of Nov. 15 that an insufficient number of employees had returned to work to enable the restoration of normal operations.
The BCTGM in September rejected a last, best and final offer from Hostess Brands designed to lower costs so that the Company could attract new financing and emerge from Chapter 11. Hostess Brands then received Court authority on Oct. 3 to unilaterally impose changes to the BCTGM’s collective bargaining agreements.
Hostess Brands is unprofitable under its current cost structure, much of which is determined by union wages and pension costs. The offer to the BCTGM included wage, benefit and work rule concessions but also gave Hostess Brands’ 12 unions a 25 percent ownership stake in the company, representation on its Board of Directors and $100 million in reorganized Hostess Brands’ debt.
“We deeply regret the necessity of today’s decision, but we do not have the financial resources to weather an extended nationwide strike,” said Gregory F. Rayburn, chief executive officer. “Hostess Brands will move promptly to lay off most of its 18,500-member workforce and focus on selling its assets to the highest bidders.”
In addition to dozens of baking and distribution facilities around the country, Hostess Brands will sell its popular brands, including Hostess®, Drakes® and Dolly Madison®, which make iconic cake products such as Twinkies®, CupCakes, Ding Dongs®, Ho Ho’s®, Sno Balls® and Donettes®. Bread brands to be sold include Wonder®, Nature’s Pride ®, Merita®, Home Pride®, Butternut®, and Beefsteak®, among others.
The wind down means the closure of 33 bakeries, 565 distribution centers, approximately 5,500 delivery routes and 570 bakery outlet stores throughout the United States.
The Company said its debtor-in-possession lenders have agreed to allow the Company to continue to have access to the $75 million financing facility put in place at the start of the bankruptcy cases to fund the sale and wind down process, subject to U.S. Bankruptcy Court approval.
The Company’s motion asks the Court for authority to continue to pay employees whose services are required during the wind-down period.
For employees whose jobs will be eliminated, additional information can be found at hostessbrands.info . The website also contains information for customers and vendors. Most employees who lose their jobs should be eligible for government-provided unemployment benefits.

Upon seeing this, my eyes watered. Denial, nostalgia, and pity crept in as the thoughts that one of my parents' (and my) favorite snacks would be going out of business. How to break the news to them? That a part of their childhood would be gone? My mother responded by telling me a sweet story about how her mother (my grandmother) would tell her to go to the store and purchase bread. What kind? Wonder Bread, always, of course.



And she had fond memories of school lunches and being proud of herself for (literally) bringing the bread home. And my father recalled having Twinkies as a favorite snack as a child and still enjoys them quite often to this day.

Immediately afterwards we decided to go on a scavenger hunt to find the elusive Twinkies, and after traveling from store to store and finding empty shelves (as if were some sort of hurricane coming, pshh), we were informed that they were all gone and they would not be bringing any more out.

And so the tragic story ends abruptly.

Except not really. I mean on one hand I'm upset, that yes, an American icon is likely going away, but on the other hand... maybe it's good that we're ridding ourselves of this sugary snack?

Although there are definitely much worse things we can get rid of...

Anyways... yeah.








however, you can click on the news. And while Hostess may not be opening up their factories anytime soon, it seems like the beloved famous snacks (mainly Twinkies and Cup Cakes) are going to be purchased and manufactured by other companies. (possibly. my information might not be up-to-date)

8 Hostess Treats You Can Still Make at Home

Twitter Mourns Twinkies: 140 Cream-Filled Characters of Sadness

Starting Ebay Bid for a Single Twinkie Is $5,000

Don't worry, Twinkies will survive - The Term Sheet: Fortune's deals blog Term Sheet

Hope for Twinkies as Hostess, union go to mediation - CBS News

Seeking The Path: Dear Friend

This girl that blogs interesting things:
Seeking The Path: Dear Friend: To be honest with you, I am not really graced with social skills. It's been hard for me to make friends, to learn to trust people. There are...

You saw it coming.

Guys... I have something serious to talk about...
I'm really sorry to do this but...

You know, I can't help but share this with you.
I'm...

Alone

The point of this blog is to sometimes rant (sorry) so here is one.

So... I'm bored.. doing H.W...

Here are words that my phone makes when I Swype random shapes on the keyboard.

icky begin common feign stock thump grub second inhibits artisan remote ruby identify thrifty singular thief inch refund tint place scroll eskimo doors red you ease jug counterpoints egg disbelief

Okay I'm done.

Missed Tuesday quote

11/6/2012 was Tuesday, and Tuesday means quotes.

"I don't want to walk anymore. Just leave me here with some food, a little water... Some chips if you have 'em."
-Experienced Novice

Caught in the middle

It gets worse before it gets better

Well I went to the clinic today to see a psychiatrist about my seizures, and I complained to him that maybeperhaps the pills he put me on were doing me more harm than good.

I hate NaNoWriMo

Oh, NaNo, how I doth detest thee with a fiery burn from the pits of my soul.

I try to write something... and how terrible it is that such a tormented and creative mind cannot simply spew words onto a virtual sheet of paper and be satisfied with them.

I have written about 500 words and deleted all of them.

I am frustated.

Just sharing things

I found these. They're funny.