Thoughts on Girl-Crushing and Sexuality

So I was having a talk with one of my good friends, and he briefly mentioned someone.

We'll call her Lynn.

Now Lynn and I have been semi-friends for a long time now. Not semi because we are "on and off" friends or anything. Only because I know her well, but not too well.

Anyways. Another of my friends Cathy has been good friends (I don't know how close they are but I'd say they're definitely closer than Lynn and I are) with Lynn for a while, and when I first heard her talk about Lynn, I'll be honest, I was jealous. The way she talked about her, the way everything she did was great and funny and cute, made me feel like I could never be as good as her.

And when I actually met her, wow... She was like me. What I am known for (or at least hope I am known for) is my weird randomness, and a few people say I can be cute (as in squeaky little thing cute, not attractive cute). But she was all this and more. She was pretty. Cute. Attractive, pretty, cute. Spunky. Likeable by everyone, or at least I thought so. She was this charismatic ball of sunshine and I couldn't help but "fall in love" with her as Cathy had. She was the perfect friend for Cathy, and suddenly I felt inadequate.

And in my tendency to temporarily obsess over new friends, I couldn't help but want to hang out with her and take in that charismatic aura she radiated and hopefully become more like her myself.

But is wasn't as simple as that. I thought she was really cute. Really.But was she CUTE cute? Or was I just really amazed by her in a neutral, non-romantic way?

I'm not sure.

I liked her quirks.
Her giggles. Her random noises. The things she made and the way she did her hair differently and how it always looked nice.

But in the same way I liked a guy's laughs, a guy's quirkiness, and his appearance?

I'm not sure.

I could imagine myself spending time with her, holding her hand, snuggling into her neck and holding her, but not being a deep and serious couple like I could with this other guy I really liked.

I thought what it would be like, though.

But when I thought about it, it didn't really give me the butterflies like it did with that other guy.

So why was I so obsessed? Was it jealousy that made me like her so much, like something twisted from the Black Swan where the prima ballerina seduces the ex-top dancer with her perfection?

I don't know.

And it's happened with one or two other girls too.

But I thought about it. There's only been one or two girls I've crushed on like that, and I ended up not liking them like that at all after a while.

As opposed to guys I've liked... I don't completely stop liking them. Unless they kick puppies. Even then... Kidding. (or am I?)

I figured that if were really bisexual, I wouldn't have to reason my way into liking girls like it came naturally with guys.

Final answer: So as of now (and what it seems like it will remain being) I'm straight, and maybe just a bit bi-romantic, if that makes sense.

Bleh.

I'm just a really lame and cheesy, cliché-loving blob of hidden sappiness with average human issues.

Love to hate me or hate to love me.

Gender doesn't matter to me when showing people I care about that I love them.

I can want to give a girl or a guy a love note saying how awesome they are for being them.

I'm the kind of person who loves physical contact as a means of expression (although I will admit it's awkward with certain people for no reason like I just can't-). It's easier and more comfortable that way to get emotions across.

And sometimes (sorry to make you paranoid that I might be secretly enjoying your hugs a little too much) I'll wonder if I love you as a friend or as something more.

...I guess I'm still going to be curious for a while.

I hope you understand this.

Or at least respect it.

You'll still love me, won't you?

Just.. Maybe not that way back.

Whatevs. I'm forever alone either way. :P