Caught in the middle

Yes, I've said openly before, that I'm proud of my weirdness and embrace all that is awkward and loser-ly in the world. I used to be a pretty judgey person when it came to weirdoes, believe it or not, denying to myself that I was one and that I liked them... But then I grew the f*ck up and realized that all idiocy and popularity is, is just a facade we create to make ourselves feel special and fit in with similar people. Which isn't always bad, but it tends to brew dislike and misunderstanding against those outside one's group.

And today there were a few instances that made me realize, WOW, I still am a bit judgey but a LOT more people are way worse than me. Way to go, people. Glad to know we grew out of middle school and all that cliquey sh*t.

For instance, today we had to choose rooms and buses for a school trip and while rooming worked out (for the most part), the buses were clearly divided by *ahem* race (not strictly this, but it was a trend) with the "live" kids on one bus and the not so qhetto kids on another.

I mean, I'm not judging, I know a few of them don't get along with each other and it's understandable (as stupid as it is). But some people were just backstabbing and whatever and I overheard smack talk about some of my good friends, whose names I will not mention and/or hint about.

To awkwardly quote a friend of mine..

"Why can't we be friends?"

Sometimes I hate being the neutral one... the middleman, the Switzerland, the floater in between the cliques of high school. Sure, I get to talk to different types of people and see their persepectives and laugh at both innocent and vulgar humor but at what cost, if I have to hear even a single negative comment about a friend, but keep my mouth shut in order not to start any drama and out of general respect for people's privacy. It's none of my business, but technically it is. I get defensive over my friends, naturally, because I care if they're being hurt and it hurts me if I don't do anything about it.

Is that so wrong?

Another particular instance that bothered me was I was being my obnoxiously somewhat-loud self and talking to my friends while on my way to lunch. I make a joking passionate comment to a friend, and this guy overhears me and makes a (excuse my french, but...) "What the fuck is this weird-ass girl doing she needs to get her shit together" face.

I know the look when I see it.

I mean, I know I was loud but that's only because I get passionate when I'm talking about something I like or am joking about SHEESH CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME THAT LOOK I WILL DENT YOUR SKULL IN WITH A MALLET TURN AWAY NOW, OKAY (deep breaths, E.N. [like childbirth]) and it just frustrated me, because I'm sensitive to begin with, believe it or not and that face was rude and insulting to me, especially right where I saw him.


Am I really just stupid for letting things like that get to me?

Is it my sensitive nature or my subconscious, incessant craving for everyone's love and approval?