FAME!

"I wanna live forever, light up the sky like a flame!"

Okay, so maybe I don't.
Okay, I do.
But it's not a priority. More of a perk.

Anyways. Have I ever told you how badly I want to become famous?
At least a little.
Oh come on.
Pls.
Sosiety pls.
I will do anything to get there:
• Become an attention hog
• Abandon all my belongings
• Sell my soul (plot twist: I have none, I'm a potato)
• Sell things on the black market
• Sell myself, do you favors...

das right
anything u want bby.

Jk.
I'm not like that.

But I seriously want to at least gain a bit of recognition for what I love to do.

Make wonderful, deep, feel-all-the-feels kind of music. (And then some weird, vague, sounds-good-but-the-lyrics-make-no-sense kind of music, the kind that you would get high to or go on an escapade with).

I'd love to do covers to my favorite bands, do requests, write original stuff and produce everything I ever felt and dreamt of and haven't felt and will dream of... all the heartbreak, all the lovey-dovey-ness of relationships, all the madness, all the anger and frustration, all the calm, the mellows, the little joys, the lessons and revelations life brings me.

And I'd share it with, well, everyone.

I would have started making my videos on YouTube a looong time ago... if it were that easy.

I'll admit it, just this once.

I'm soft.

No, seriously. I'm afraid of criticism. Being on camera is scary, because my expectations are really high for myself and I feel like I'd never do good enough and I'm not pretty enough and my image would be "Hipster-like Individualistic Awkward Weirdo" and no one would like that so I'd just look like an awkward lonely fool on camera.

And my all work would live on the Internet, forever, to shame me forever.

But enough of my insecurities.

If I were to get rid of all those insecurities, the one main concerning thing would be:
would I ever get my old life back?
Would I want to?

I guess I'm just afraid of change.
Or at least not knowing what could or could not happen, were I to pursue a music career as a full-time thing.

There's a lot to be done, and I'm almost 18. I mean, I feel a bit old to start getting experience but it never really IS too late to try, is it?

I'd have to learn how to actually read sheet music, to begin with.
(I know, embarrassing.)
And play at least two instruments.
Likely piano. Or maybe guitar. Saxophone. Violin. Cello. Xylophone.
...Triangle?
I'd like to take Music Theory and History of Music. Just load myself with anything even remotely related to music (and maybe dance, too. I love dance. And drama. DAMMIT Novice, make up your mind.)

But then, I'd also have to start mingling with people to get myself out there and know "all the right people in all the right place" AND PEOPLE SCARE ME I'M SO SHY (and especially afraid of rejection) DESPITE MY WEIRDO COULDN'T-GIVE-A-DAMN EXTERIOR I AM SO AWKWARD
Asdfhhjlanabxbsjxj

T.T

And where would the line between pastime and profession be at? What would the pressures of having to produce be?
I mean, music will always be a love for me but I'm afraid of losing the spark, ya know?

Would I even be a solo act? Or do I want to be with people?

Indecision, that is my middle name.
(My first name is, of course, Jojo Tiddlywinks.)

I would definitely donate a large portion of profits to various charities and select people who help me out and are just my friends because they have been my friends (BECAUSE WHY NOT)

But I don't want to become stuffy and snooty and name charity organizations after myself. That's gross.

Despite all my worries and  insecurities, becoming an artist sounds like a lot of work and fun and awesome and exciting

Wyejsbasfjsksbansixns
Babies. Nom.

Anyways, I think I'm staring to make less sense, and it's 1:13 in the AM, and I'm going back and editing because it got really weird, so I should at least pretend to sleep now.

*When I go into the music scene (if I ever do put these wishes to work instead of dwelling on dreams) I promise you I will remember you and keep you close to my heart and soul.

Signing off for the night
(or morning, whatevs)

-ExperiencedNovice