Not this time.

Why does this happen? I promised I'd be strong. I wanted to change.
I don't do this to myself on purpose: it just happens.
Why am I the way I am?
I've been so happy the past few days.
No depression....
I've never done anything to myself. I don't need to.
I constantly live in a nightmare, my own life, my torture.
I have great friends. But somehow, somewhere, from the corners of my mind,
sadness and hopelessness and hate seep in like an oozing plague.
It's happening all over again. When I'm most happy, I tend to crash once more.
I think to myself: how can I be so happy when others are miserable?
Not just my friends. People from all other parts of the world.
The poor. The homeless. The lonely. The lost. The abused. The sick. The dying.

The worried. The grieving. The forgotten. The fearful. Them.

The ones like me, who go through this cycle over and over, never to see the end.

I can't save the world. I can't come to everybody's rescue at the same time.

I can't give myself to the world. I can't fix it.

I acknowledge, but never accept the fact that I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIX IT.

People see me in school. A happy girl. Random. Funny. Social. Smiling.

I feel like I'm hiding behind a mask. Never would they know what I go through.

At first, I didn't want anyone to know.

But if there's no one that knows, then no one can help.

I used to walk with myself behind me, trying to catch myself from falling.

And I always end up getting twice as hurt in the end.

I've told few people. I let them in. They have not let me down.

I feel selfish. I have good people around me. I deserve these people, right?

HOPELESSNESS IS THE HELL THAT ALWAYS RETURNS
Hopelessness is the hell that always returns-
We try to dream our way out
We fight with small ordering actions
That tell us we can still move-
We seek to find our way in work
And flow in it –
Small conversations may help-
We seek to be suddenly be lifted up by
Surprising perceptions of nature’s beauty –
Though we know
Love the only true answer.

But hopelessness never dies
It comes back again and again
Older and weaker our power to resist is less-
Just this morning lost in hopelessness
I thought all was lost
And now here I am
Trying to quite weakly
write my way out of it
yet again.

-Shalom Freedman


The Ultimate Denial
Depression is being tired, when you're never able to sleep

Depression is pity, when you hate other's sympathy
Depression is longing for more, when you never acknowledge what's already there
Depression is the feeling of self-hatred, when the arrogance is concurrently overwhelming
Depression is the repugnance of emotional discomfort, when a sanctuary for physical affliction exists
Depression is loathing at your own success, when the ones around you prosper
Depression is perfectionism, when you could care less about anything else
Depression is the rock that you choose to constantly trip over, when all you have to do is move around it...
Depression is the ultimate cost of denial, when the truth is too much to handle

-Anonymous

At least I know I'm not the only one out there. My friends. They're pretty much all I have. They keep me going. I haven't fallen completely. I stumble, but they save me. Just by being my friends. For giving me a reason to exist. To fight.

I feel so much better now. You know those times at night, when you're alone in the dark? I was losing control of those thoughts. I think I can sleep now... I hate sounding like a melodramatic whiny b*tch. I know I can conquer this.