Yet Another Philosophical Post

It's been a while since I write all of my partly incohesive and non-fluid thoughts without going back, editing and/or censoring what I have to say (which by the way kinda ruins the point of having this blog in the first place), and UGH

A reader: "Why don't you do it, then? E.N, stop complaining so much, grow a pair and JUST DO IT."

Me: "First of all, don't use Nike quotes on me, if you're some sort of swag-fag (not using fag as a homophobic insult here) get out right now, find better things to quote, and rethink your life."

Reader: *rolls eyes* "Well then. Why are you complaining? You always used to say 'this is my blog' and 'I do what I want'."

"Well, I've gone through a lot since I first made this blog (which I still can't believe was only about 8 months ago) and I don't like saying things that I will eventually regret or have to take down or things that might hurt or trigger someone."

And I was going to say something else, but DAMMIT I forgot.

Nope, wait. It's coming back.

I realized that I try so hard nowadays to be all "good" and seek as much truth as I can and be spiritual again and "hopeful" in life, and it works sometimes, and I feel good about myself temporarily, but when I go back and read this blog, a lot of my posts are depressing and shitty, to be honest. I'm a bit mad at myself for that.

Half the time you'll be reading something funny or one of my strange attempts at being cute (ex. cupcakes and mentioning my bf) and the other half it's just about my ongoing cyclic struggle of a combination of teen angst/hormones and depressive/anxiety issues that I feel is partly made up in my mind.

I feel like this "bleh" period in my life was not really necessary, but at the same time it's a HUGE PART in growing up, and I'm going to go all philosophical and metaphorical on you (I love deep thinking :P ) and say the young and innocent girl I was, the person who was in fact, a Novice to everything and actively sought for Experience, has backed off a little, and a new young adult woman steps forward to continue nourishing the young girl and helping her find her way.

A friend of mine posted about "self, and defining who that is" and she was right. You don't have to define yourself, you don't have to know it all; in fact, the whole point of life is not to have all the answers laid out in front of you, because what fun is that? It's not to be born with a specific character instilled within you and just sticking with that your entire life.

It's okay to not know the meaning of life, or how the earth began, or why bad things exist, or who you are, or what you want to do with your life.
IT'S OKAY.

You can tell when your dearest blogger wants to make a point when her font gets bigger and the words are bolder and she start using repetition in her sentences and she talks in the third person and starts to ramble because she is getting really into this one-sided discussion and... yeah.

See the pictures I have on the sidebars? Especially the pink ones on the right? Yep. Those are my happy and rose-tinted-shade- quotes. Feel free to read them when you're blue. And when you're rosy and everything is fine, read the blue ones on the left so you can remember what it's like to be blue and help others join in your happiness.

There is a method to my madness, everyone. It wasn't just a coincidence.

Even after making myself crazy and asking if I was even crazy in the first place, I still wonder and go back and read this and ask, "Is it really true that I don't have to know everything?" and I am once again unsatisfied and get mad and upset at myself and at the world.

It's okay if you do the same too.

On the contrary, it's okay if you don't think about the big questions often, accept things as they are and live contently with yourself because thinking about it just makes you uncomfortable or makes your head hurt or whatever reasons you have.

Never settle for mediocrity or ignorance, but don't fight it if it compromises your happiness.