To People With Problems

(An honest and open letter which may or may not make you feel feels.)



Now when I say problems, I mean having a troubled life.

You might have parents who fight practically every day.
You might get beaten by someone, whether you know them or not.
You might have an addiction to something that hurts you or the people around you.
You might live in a small home, in less-than-fortunate circumstances.
You might not live in a house at all.
You might have health issues.
You might have other issues.

You all have been lied to, cheated, harassed, blackmailed, physically or emotionally hurt to some degree, at some point in your life.

You might be mad at yourself, mad at the world. Mad at people. Mad at you're not even sure who or what.

(...Or maybe you're not. Maybe you're cool-headed or you just don't care, but that's besides the point. [How do you do it? Teach me.])

But some of you might feel like this.
You have every right to be.

Over the last few months, I have struggled with myself. I analyzed almost all my feelings and thoughts to the point where they don't have as much meaning as they used to. I've questioned my mission/point in life and I've questioned my religion and my morals and everything. I think about my future, and my friend's futures and my family's future and I'm not sure where everything goes or what I'm supposed to do.

I've had to cope with so much stress from bullying, worrying about money and losing my house, worrying about my education all the while my parents arguing...

and ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS were/are coming at me from everywhere; then I learned to "cope" and distanced myself from friends, family, myself. I told myself that it wasn't a big deal, that it would be over.

I told myself that I had to be the strong one, be the fighter, be support when it was needed.

Everything that people trusted me with was kept under lock and key. Eventually, I decided that I wasn't really that important, that my point was just to be there for people who needed me and keep my mouth shut and vanish when I wasn't.

I had a lot of empty relationships because of this, friend-wise. I felt like most of my friendships weren't real, people trusting in me, but me not trusting anyone but myself. And when it came time and I wanted company, someone to hang out with just for the sake of it, I had to track down or guilt them or force myself into spending time with them, so I wouldn't feel so lonely inside.

So that's a brief history of my past, and I don't want to go into much detail because I'd probably hurt some feelings if they were to find this and realize who I was talking about.

Anyways... today. Today was complicated. Stupid, silly, fun... in a way.

And of course, I was talking to a guy... who knew something was up. So I told him.

I have these weird experiences where I feel like my life isn't real.

It's hard for me to explain... It's something very scary, to look at yourself, to see people that you care for talk to you and you just can't be with them right then and there. Some days you feel like an empty shell, not even a human being, just living and going on with life because there's nothing better for you to do and nothing else you CAN do. Some days you wonder the value and importance you hold in today's society, and you feel like there isn't much you can offer. Or whatever you do have to offer is not enough or is not valued.

I want to go back to the innocent and simplistic days of my early youth, but I've come to accept that it is something completely out of my reach.

I want so badly to go a day without feeling stressed then alright then stressed again.

I want to go a day feeling safe and secure with the ones I love around me and know that everything will be alright.

I want to not simply survive, but thrive.
Not simply exist, but live.

I've written this letter lots of times before, erased the draft and written it again, hoping that I'd be better when I could publish it and could give you a sense of hope, dearest troubled ones.

I wish I could make dozens of copies of this letter, post it all over the hallways of my school and hopefully at least a few people could educate themselves and be conscious of the fact that just because they have good lives does not mean everyone else does, too.

..Maybe this is what I am meant to do. Be a voice for those who don't have one.

I signed up to an Advice Forum and have talked to people who have it worse than I do, people who self-harm, people who don't have a single person who seems to care about them, people who don't have hope... and it's made me more grateful for what I DO have.

So people who are struggling  Hang on. With all your might. Have hope. There's someone out there who cares, cared or will care for you more than anyone else. Open your eyes and open your heart and keep fighting.

I'll be by your side, fighting along too.