I'm supposed to be crying right now, right? Or maybe have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that my world is ending and that I'm going to sit in my room for the next few days in darkness, disheveled and dirty? But I'm not. This doesn't feel that way. For once I stepped into some relative comfort, although I can't tell whether it's just my body being in such shock that I can't feel much or that I'm too distant from all of this to truly deeply feel affected. Or maybe this all has been coming at me for too long, from all sides, that I saw it coming and I DENIED DENIED DENIED it. Or I set it off to the side and put it away for later.
Michelle has to grow up.
It is not until I actually face the fear of losing you that I realize how much you mean to me. I realize how everything I do and say and think is not about me anymore. I’ve been selfish. I’ve been ignorant and I’ve once again hurt someone I’ve gotten close to. We never realize how much we affect people until we step back and see what we’ve done.
But who’s to say I’m the only one to blame? Or that you are? The people we are, our pasts, our thoughts, our goals for the future are not about just us.
I don’t want anything more than for you to not suffer. The good feeling in my heart that came out of nowhere when I first met you was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. I have led other people to do things they were not okay with. They have all fled, rightly so. You don't deserve to be another person who flees because of me, but you also don't deserve to be a person that stays and gets hurt, maybe even more than the previous people have been.
But just as Shaun said, I'm too hard on myself, and I shouldn't be.
However, it's only fair that this once again rests on the person that's most affected by it: and that's you. Give me another chance if you think I deserve it, if you think we deserve it. Or turn around 180 degrees and flee the fuck out of here, find someone better. The world is so large you can definitely find someone better if you really want to. I always feel like I deserve another heartbreak.
At the same time, I am so goddamn tired of them.
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