I am so lame

Today was club day. I got a 0 put into my English grades again. It was also BB and Kris's birthday parties.

Reuniting with all my graduated friends (and a few Seniors-to-be like myself) was a fun time.
My brother tagged along.

We played volleyball and had fun by the pool, eating chicken and burgers and good ol' American food like coleslaw and potato/egg salad.

At one point I had to drift away from the group, and stop and just watch everyone from afar.

BB came over to see if I was alright. I guess the fact that I made him worry or at least wonder if I okay made me feel bad, but I was too detached from everything to feel like it was real. Then J. came over and we sat and talked about crushes and school and what Senior year held in store for us. I'm ready to leave and excited to see what's next, but at the same time terrified of not knowing what the future holds. After a while, we went back to the crowd and loved hearing them talk, joke around, and be so... In the moment. Which I still have to figure out how to do.

Friends will always be friends if you treat them right, and they treat you right, but distance is going to be hard to adjust to. I guess this will just help me value those moments together, when/if they happen, which should be good.

BB was nice enough to drive us there and back home and I started getting teary and lame like the little baby I was.

I can't believe one of my best friends is leaving in a few weeks.

I'm happy for you, Lion King.

Grads 2013

Graduation time for my Senior friends. Everytime I walked on stage to sing with my group, all I could feel was a lot of joy and pride to call them my friends. I couldn't cry. I was close to getting teary, but the aching grin couldn't come down.

Afterwards was a mess of hooligans and chanting, people hugging and laughing, and as I individually called my friends over to hug them, I just smiled stupidly and started getting teary.

I can't believe that's going to be my friends and I next year. I hope to do as much as I can with them this summer. They've helped me get through high school so far...

Food for successful people

Aka Top Ten Percent Senior Banquet

I can't help but actually enjoy setting up things for other people's celebrations.

It's through helping others that I momentarily feel of worth.

Struggling with wishes

I wish movies didn't cost so much. I wish hanging out with friends weren't so difficult to do. I wish SAT's didn't exist. I wish I didn't stress so much. I wish class rank was only a number and not as important as it's made out to be. I wish I could talk to you. I wish people could tell people how much they matter without being afraid or taking them for granted. I wish I could go out at night. I wish I weren't so ashamed of having girl crushes that are more than admirations, but less than loves. I wish I weren't so obnoxious. I wish I could believe that people I care about like me, despite the fact that most of them show it.

I wish it were easy to bring back all the good things from years past, and not all the bad and relive them. I wish life were easier again.

I wish caring about me were easy. I have such low self-esteem. I just want to not be here for a while.

Wandering

I prayed to God honestly and deeply in what seemed to be like the first time in weeks...

What's Trending On YouTube?

Oh, the places you can go!

Reed Flute Cave, China


Gardens Chateau de Marqueyssac, Vézac, France

Skaftafeli, Iceland

Capilano Suspension Bridge, Vancouver, British Columbia

Keukenhof Gardens, Netherlands

This restaurant (I don't know the name, sorry), near the Sanyou Cave by the Chang Jiang river, Hubei , China.

Ratu Boko, Indonesia

Haedong Yonggung Temple, South Korea

Bryce Canyon, Utah, USA
St. Basil's Cathedral, Moscow, Russia,

recent events and a message to my senior chorus friends

Got Photoshop certified, hung out lakeside with two great people, helped set up for the chorus banquet, got teary at the awards/slideshow part of the night, and helped set up a surprise for a certain teacher ;)

My life's been kinda hectic; I have some things going on, but Life also has some bright moments every now and then. Music helps me find them. Congrats to all the senior members of Chorus. You're what gives the choir its rich and amazing sound. This was my first year in Concert Chorus and it was a great one.

It's starting to hit me that you're leaving soon. I'm going to miss you Seniors.

red or green?

So I made a sort-of-but-not-really-ballsy move and now I'm just wondering if I'm being awkward about it.

I have too many crushes. Some are serious, want-to date-you-this-will-be-nice kinds of crushes, some are wow-you-seem-cool-i-want-to-get-to-know-you-but-I-dont-think-i-can-casually-date-you-until-i-know-more-first kinds of crushes, some are dumb your-physique-is-stare-able-but-we-will-never-have-a-thing crushes, some are are wow-you-are-a-wonderful-person-in-general-can-i-maybe-date-you kinds of crushes, and others are (these are rare!) holy-holy-guacamole-you-are-one-of-the-best-people-to-come-into-my-life-i-really-like-you-and-i-might-have-from-almost-the-start-so-please-love-me-let's-date kinds of crushes.

Flirting is nice when you know it's going to be reciprocated.

too bad I have no clue whether it's being reciprocated or not unless guys literally have a neon sign over their heads that says "flirt alert"



I don't want to keep sending out messages to someone who isn't interested in me like that. I've already been hurt so many times before, and I mean I'm not going to be really attached to this crush as I have to others.

So go? or no?

Emmablackery is a cute

Watch "Feel Good 101: How You Look And Why It Doesn't Matter" on YouTube

You need a confidence boost ;)

links and gifs, yo

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Mini Clay Food

 

Cool beans

So I did pretty well on my duet song for the Spring Concert at my school :D
I was pretty nervous beforehand, but I didn't hear it in my voice while performing.
Yay improvement.

My buddy and I got a loud applause and I took a compliment for the both of us after the show.
Also, the encore chorus /alumni surprise for our teacher was really emotional and cute and we sounded better than I thought we would. I was in tears as my teacher just say by the piano with that nearly gasping, surprised look on her face.

Everything and anything revolving around music makes me happier.

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Thoughts and updates

Academic life. This week/weekend I'd been trying to finish all my missing work so I could turn it in on Monday (today). My teacher picked up on the fact that there was more going on than what I was telling her and said she'd give me a bit more time and that she knew I was a good student. And now I feel bad because I'm kinda letting her down... I've still been pretty distracted (as usual) and anxious (more than usual) and I'm taking a break from working on my mandatory reading as we speak. I was practically two weeks behind on work, which is definitely a record low for me. Even though it'll kill me to end this class with anything below a B, a low C is better than the 66% I currently hold.

Newsflash. Don't know if it's my confession to tell, but I have some sorta happy news. Someone confessed to liking me. He's quite a nice person, and in the short time that we've actually talked and hung out for short moments I feel like I can trust him with almost anything. It's been a while since I felt like that with someone. Maybe we'll be best friends, maybe we'll date, maybe we're secretly siblings separated at birth but we'll never find out, or maybe it's Maybelline.

Status report. My feelings toward this other person who's been my close friend for years and my major crush? Well, I don't think they're ever going to really go away. I guess I'm a sucker when it comes to people that mean and/or ever meant a lot to me. That's mostly my problem.

Shoutouts. One of my blogging followers (shoutout to Nikki P!) emailed me about the situation (see the post named "shit") and I found some comfort in her concern. (Shoutout to Lucia the Lunatic for also being a good person.)

Relationships. My mom and I fight every other day, but we're both understanding each other more than we did before.

Overall?

Yes, I've been a sucky person lately (okay, very sucky). Yes, I needed an attitude check. No, my life probably won't get better too quickly.

My life's been sucky, what more can I say? I don't like to say it's an excuse, but it's a pretty darn reasonable source of angst. I know other people have it worse than I do, but there's only so much I can handle before I become a visible trainwreck.

My dad's been on and off work, trying to find somewhere to go, with limited success. We almost lost our home of 13 years and while I complain about this smaller-than-I-wish-it'd-be apartment and this disadvantaged neighborhood I'm pretty thankful (to the stars, to atoms, to the heavens, or whoever runs our doesn't run this thing called life) for still being able to type this post through my phone's app, while on my warm bed in my room full of things which have been donated to us over the years by strangers and friends. Who knows... we might get kicked out in a month or six or continue paying off the debt in small portions.
I'm a hypocrite. Sometimes I grumble to myself on how most people at my school are better off, wasteful, and take things for granted, and here I was, starting to do the same.
I've got a chorus concert on Tuesday and Wednesday that I'm trying to cheer myself up for, I've got friends who are still here to pop up occasionally and make sure I'm okay, I've got a blog to rant on and share things with people, I've got at least some food in the fridge and more than one pair of pj's (old t-shirts and basketball shorts, anyone?), I've got a cell phone and a laptop, milk and cookies (update: there are no more cookies, I now remember I ate the last one) and things that have happened that make me learn about myself.
For now, I've got all these memories away in the attic of my mind. Maybe someday they'll just be photographs to burn or maybe they'll be scrapbooks to restore and add to. Who knows. I'm probably going to sporadically go back to them when I feel a little lonely or nostalgic or happy, just because.

shit

I'm going to cry the landlord is talking to my parents and I think we're gonna get kicked out

Lil' bug

Hey there.

My Ride..jk

I also like cars and taking pics of them. I might not know the technical stuff about cars, but man, are they pretty.

Pretty Flower

I like taking pictures of things, especially flowers. ^_^