the life of michelle: Argh.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Argh.

POST FOR 8/20/2012

Okay so this is an apology to the people around me at school, and my mom and dad and brother because I don't know what's wrong with me but I hope someday I'll be strong enough and brave and have money or insurance to help me get to therapy.

And I'm not talking about the physical type.

For days I had been having countless anxiety and panic attacks, like so horrible you can't imagine. My arms and legs were literally boneless. I could barely stand straight. I was cold, I was trembling from head to toe, and more restless than ever.

Each lasted for hours and even afterwards I felt like a worthless piece of crap, a small blip in the timeline of history and all of humanity.

Yes, I was having a crisis.

Not just an identity crisis, but like a religious, what-are-my-beliefs-i-don't-even-know-what-i-believe-in-anymore-and-what-am-i-even-going-to-do-with-my-future-and-what-happens-after-this kind of thing.
And it was just like a dementor was sucking all the life out of me, making me angry at myself and at the world for being so happy and at the same time emotionally unhealthy...

It's a horrible feeling.

But now I've found myself to be better these days. I'm back in school, I feel motivated and excited because I'm being productive and I have better things to look forward to. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

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Song Quotes

"We'll all float on."
"Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say."
"And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day... kinda counted on you being a friend. Can I give it up or give it away? Now I thought about what I wanna say, but I never really know where to go so I chained myself to a friend, 'cause I know it unlocks like a door."
"My gears, they grind more each day, and I feel like they're gonna grind away. And the city blocks, they drive me wild, they're never ending, mile after mile. I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you."
"It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.."
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try."
"I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop."
"We all need somebody to lean on."
"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one, but both of us."
"Nothin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change."
"I took my love down to violet hill... There we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, said 'If you love me, won't you let me know?'"
"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
"If you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time. If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting... time after time."
"If every second counts on a clock that's tickin', gotta live like we're dying."
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon... trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too.. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon?"
"Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing.... you are perfect... to me."
"I want love to roll me over slowly, stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around. I want love to grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground."
"But I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here?!? I don't belong here..."
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like heaven."
"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved..."