a note

You found a note.

Manically scribbled on a 3-by-5 card, in pen, spelling out my anxieties and my contempt for your bad habits and my shortcomings, my predisposition for running away from adversity and conflict, my fears of what our future would hold. Months ago, I planned on leaving it out casually for you to find, because I did not have the courage to face you myself and repeat those same words.

For fear of losing you. For fear of losing myself. For fear that having that talk and making it come true. Because, as long as it lived on that paper, it would only exist in its own realm. You found it today, while cleaning the room. I am glad I was not there to see it. You placed it back where you found it, and it sits in that drawer, poor Schrodinger's note.

Part of me hopes the emotion behind it gleams between the lines, bright enough to be heard and understood. It was a part of me then that I needed to release. It still carries weight but no longer its validity.

We are both different people now.

ATTACK

Less than 3 days ago I had a triggered anxiety attack, but I had a few good people help me through it. It didn't last more than an hour.

Today, I started getting anxious during church again. The pastor's words resonated in my head and tried my best to focus on the lecture, both out of respect for the religion I used to be a part of and because I was geniunely interested in his words. All of a sudden, my hands started to shake and my body started itching to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I sneaked out before I became too noticable, and walked to the local park once again. The drizzles and gusts of wind added to my confusion and soon I ended up crouching underneath the bleachers and sneaking around before anyone could notice me.

I called a hotline, with no luck. 15 minutes on hold as I was trying hard to compose myself. I felt so hopeful yesterday. And in that moment I felt hopeless. When the people from church started flooding out, I tried my best to avoid any sort of contact, almost running into a car.

My stomach hurts and my legs aren't stable. There's a lump in my throat and I can't say anything because the people who are supposed to understand don't understand. My hands are shaking as I type, enough to be concerning to only myself, but not enough to be noticable to the outside world. I thought I had conquered this. My battle is never over, it seems.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I just want to let you know that you're never the only one.

POST-SECONDARY-PLANNING STRESS DISORDER

A link/gif/swear-heavy post by your very beloved, Experienced Novice.
(It is now going to be my life's mission to make PSPSD recognized by every scientific association)

Let's begin.

What is this thing called the college process?

HWAT.

The pressure of somewhat preparing for the remaining 4/5 placed on someone who is approximately 1/5 into their life is a heavy one.

Imagine not being halfway up a mountain, having to predict what path you should take to get to the top AND determine what paths will be available to you, which ones you like, and which you will take on your way down.

Pardon my French, but... pretty fucking ridiculous, right.

I'm fully aware that a large portion of the stress and pressure of searching and getting your shit together comes from my failure to organize things ahead of time.

But this isn't even fully about me. My parents didn't go to post-secondary school here. They have no idea about post-secondary graduation blah di blah and English isn't even their first language (or their easiest). So all those parents' workshops?

I don't mean to offend anyones' political preferences here, but you get it.

Also:

because why not.

So it's pretty much up to me to learn all the shii...take mushrooms there is to know about enrollment, fees, GPA's, testing, calculations, kind of colleges, 2-year, 4-year, etc., etc.. (so vague, I know) and I actually have practically no clue about anything or what the difference is between college ABC and ACB and ABCU and UAB and WHAT

I mean, high school itself is tough, man. Like I had no idea. When I was younger, I always thought to myself:

"You know what? I want to be really super amazing (as if being not super amazing was a choice for me, pshhhh) and I'm going to start so many clubs and organizations and make friends everywhere and spread happiness and equality and end world hunger and have education for everyone and make the world safe and I don't even care if I don't get medals or prizes. Simply being recognized as a peacemaker or just the satisfaction that I changed the world would be nice and omg I just really love people and animals and plants and yay Earth c: " 

By Jove, was I ambitious.



Now, it seems like laziness has gotten the best of me and I'm just counting down the days until I get to leave this putrid place full of (mostly) fake relationships and fake grades.



I know what I'm worth. Testing seems to show that I'm pretty good, but it doesn't show everything that I'm worth. And if life at home sucks, it's not really going to be easy to prove that I'm good. Sometimes I have my own stuff to deal with.

I mean, yeah, most times I try to go without complaining about every single thing that bothers me because nobody wants to be friends with that kind of person. I really wish it were easy to just pause, say, I'm too stressed, and just back away from everything that causes me even more stress.

I STRESS EASILY OKAY IT IS A PROBLEM

I don't know what I want to be. I wanted to be a psychologist, but now I'm not so sure. I wanted to join the Air Force, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to pass the physical test (plus my dad doesn't want me to go. bleh.) I want to be a designer or a musician. But it seems like it's hard to find a good job in anything artsy that is steady.




I am so unsure of how to be a functional adult and I feel like adulthood is forcing its way in whether I want it to or not.

But hey, time stops for no one.

I just gotta figure out how to go.

At A Distance

I've talked about this to one (update: two) of my friends and UGH is it bothering me.

I've distanced myself from a lot of people.
Classmates.
Family.
Friends.

Classmates:
Well, you know, there's always a group of kids in every grade that says "our class sucks" ...and I am one of those kids. Back when I had more classes with some of the regular kids and what you'd deem the "populars", I felt so out of place. All they would talk about is "shopping" this and "partying" that and have vapid conversations about topics I couldn't care less about.

I mean, granted, I've noticed they're not ALL bumbling idiots with an IQ the size of their shoes, some care about politics, science, and actually earning their grades and helping others. But when I tried to make friends, I had a feeling all they would do was judge me and my awkward nerditude (and to be honest I'm not even that much of a nerd, interest-wise) and made fun of me both behind and in front of my back.

I mean, just because I don't get wasted every other weekend or have had 15 boyfriends doesn't mean I judge you for doing so. It's your life, bro. I don't hate you. I don't agree with your actions.. but I don't hate you. If you had been nice to me, I would've been nice to you.

Nowadays, it's even cute if you're a nerd, or if you actually study.
Oh, but only if you're hot.
YAY double standards.

My family isn't exactly the one I'd like to have:
When you're Hispanic, you expect everyone to be super close to each other and having each others' backs a lot;  I remember going to my grandparents' every Sunday and getting together with some cousins and just spending time together and having 'fun'. I don't know if it's just me, but everyone seems to want to do their own thing now and now I hate going to their house because all I do is get annoyed by the spoiled and poorly raised (not so) little ones and the arrogance of the adults. And I don't really talk to anyone while I'm there, so why bother.

Friends:
Like I've explained to my friends. I'm still somewhat sensitive and I don't have any classes with them, so when I try to hang out with them I have nothing to contribute and feel out-of-place. So I just lurk and sulk in silence. And just because my brain is a jerk to me, whenever I hang out with them I'm reminded of my depressed times, which I'm trying to avoid altogether.

Everyone's going to end up going their own path anyways, and it just makes me all upset to think so, but we all know it's true.

Also... I spent years not talking to a lot of friends (I have more friends than you think, MOM!) and losing connection with them, people that have never done me wrong and that I miss. I mean it sounds disgustingly conceited but.... There's only one of me to go around (okay I'm done. I'm really not conceited at all) and I can't spend all my time with just one set of friends. I like and I miss everyone, and if I don't have much to talk about with one group, then I'll go be happy with my otherfriends.

I feel like I sound like a jerk right now, maybe I do or don't but I'm just putting my feelings out there.

In between the bouts of melancholy and sudden rushes of hyperactive joy... the violently fluctuating inconstancy of my emotions is too much to handle sometimes.

And I really don't want to be around anyone at all lately, but I do it because I know I need them.

It hurts to force yourself onto others when a voice in your mind is telling you nobody really cares for you, that you're trying too much and that if you weren't trying to spend time with people, no one would try to spend time with you.

And sometimes I feel like people would prove that to be true.

Which I why I'm living life at a distance.

Untitled Poem

Depression is having a rainbow
But seeing it in shades of gray

Anxiety is trying to get yourself back together
When your train of thought goes astray

Creativity is an source of emotion
Your art, a story untold

You're only human, not made of steel,
But your heart is solid gold.

Good Things

I'm very thankful. Some great things have happened to me throughout this week:

• I've seen some progress in my struggle to get better. It gives me hope.
• I got sick. Maybe a cold?
• It's a reminder that I'm human, it makes my mom give me just a little bit more attention, and I feel like a kid again. I also get to skip class for a few minutes (YES I GET TO MISS MATH) and take a break from people and just rest.
• I got to see my boyfriend. I mean, obvs. Very thankful, every day.
• Our school's spirit week is coming up! And Homecoming!!!
• HOMECOMINGGGGGGG
• I almost had an anxiety attack (medical definition, not b.s'ing here...) of an in History class today, but I beat it before it got too bad. I don't think anyone noticed.
• Our school's choral group got to sing the national anthem at a football game, I heard compliments :)
• We also get to do a BIG PERFORMANCE IN THE WINTERTIME OH MY GOD YES.
• And we had a 90-year-old guy come and speak to us in class and he got emotional and we sang for him and it was so sweet :3

Not Sure

So after seeking and recieving closure and apologies from both a friend and myself, I decided to start over.

Today is Monday. A new day. A great day to start over. To be a good friend. To be a good person. To not dwell anymore on the things that have bothered me, and instead fight with all my human capability, against ignorance and self-torture, fear and questions that might never really be answered. I made a vow to myself a few days ago, and I've been trying my hardest to keep these promises.

You are not alone.

So I ran into someone today. Literally.

Argh.

POST FOR 8/20/2012

Okay so this is an apology to the people around me at school, and my mom and dad and brother because I don't know what's wrong with me but I hope someday I'll be strong enough and brave and have money or insurance to help me get to therapy.