Sometimes I am disgusted with myself for the person I am, the voice in me tells me I'm not good enough for this, that one day I will ruin this all somehow, or that he'll realize that there are better people in this world than myself. Being in love is fear of losing him, and therefore losing myself if he's gone before I am. This sickness is irrational and vulnerable and makes love terrifying. But I want it. I want it more than anything. I worry and wonder and do things that make me think I'm the biggest burden to exist.
And yet somehow he still loves me. Regardless of whether or I'm not actually ill, that inner voice tells me he must be crazy to love me.
I cannot sleep; later today I will take care of him as he's come down with a cold, the weakest I've seen him in a while. He never gets sick, so to see him like this worries me. Being in love is being ill and trusting they'll know what to do to make you better.
