I find it frustrating that one of the habits I dislike most in a person is one that I have been practicing for a large portion of my life. As I look back on posts, I realize that something that is very significant in my life is how the eras of my life are defined or drawn, is closely associated with who I was romantically/sexually/emotionally interested or close to at the time. I'm almost quick to call myself flimsy or jejeune because of this, since a large portion of my identity and my locus is only in relation to others; however upon closer examination of myself, I realize that although maybe it once was, now this is no longer a problem. If it has been said that humans are social creatures by nature, then I am one of the most human humans ever. I am the bee that becomes energized by contact with every flower with pollen or nectar to offer. Without people around, to come back to to have deep connections with, I still sometimes become a bit lost and insecure of myself because there is nothing for me to do. No one to grow with, no energy, no motivation. When I have a positive bond with someone, I flourish; then when I do go back to being alone (only temporarily) I can reflect on what I can do without them and grow forth.
Once, maybe, this was a problem when I could not find a balance between people time and me time. When I had no one to crush on, no real close friend, or anyone to lean on I didn't know what to make of myself. I thought my self worth was based on whether someone else liked me or not. To some degree, I still fall back on this bad habit and catch myself thinking like this. I became overly dependent on people and felt deeply rejected and like a failure when they didn't want or need me.
Now, I'm able to distinguish between needing someone and depending on them more often than I used to.
Oh boy, do I need you.
