So after seeking and recieving closure and apologies from both a friend and myself, I decided to start over.
Today is Monday. A new day. A great day to start over. To be a good friend. To be a good person. To not dwell anymore on the things that have bothered me, and instead fight with all my human capability, against ignorance and self-torture, fear and questions that might never really be answered. I made a vow to myself a few days ago, and I've been trying my hardest to keep these promises.
It's really hard, but I feel better.
The same scary thoughts (which none of you know about, I haven't spilled everything on here) still randomly pop up and threaten me, but my anxiety attacks are gone, so at least I'm not hyperventilating and shivering to the core in my bed anymore. I've been seeking help through many internet sources and through prayer, and it really helps. I'm not sure how. If I halfheartedly believe in the power of prayer and relaxation techniques, shouldn't it technically be doing nothing for me? You know, it's all in the mind? ..Sometimes things work out in mysterious ways.
I'm not sure what happiness really feels like anymore. I've gotten so used to negative emotions and faking positive ones often, that if something that's supposed to be good happens, I just feel... Awkwardly empty inside, I guess? It's just a strange sort of experience, to merely exist and not enjoy.
Of course, I didn't expect to come straight out of this and be my old self again.
I don't want to fake happiness anymore. I don't want to analyze my way into situations, think about the future of anything or worry about it. I just wish I could feel. Live in the moment.
This is something no one but myself can do. I'm not sure if it's learned, acquired, or developed over time. I'm not even sure anymore...
Today is Monday. A new day. A great day to start over. To be a good friend. To be a good person. To not dwell anymore on the things that have bothered me, and instead fight with all my human capability, against ignorance and self-torture, fear and questions that might never really be answered. I made a vow to myself a few days ago, and I've been trying my hardest to keep these promises.
It's really hard, but I feel better.
The same scary thoughts (which none of you know about, I haven't spilled everything on here) still randomly pop up and threaten me, but my anxiety attacks are gone, so at least I'm not hyperventilating and shivering to the core in my bed anymore. I've been seeking help through many internet sources and through prayer, and it really helps. I'm not sure how. If I halfheartedly believe in the power of prayer and relaxation techniques, shouldn't it technically be doing nothing for me? You know, it's all in the mind? ..Sometimes things work out in mysterious ways.
I'm not sure what happiness really feels like anymore. I've gotten so used to negative emotions and faking positive ones often, that if something that's supposed to be good happens, I just feel... Awkwardly empty inside, I guess? It's just a strange sort of experience, to merely exist and not enjoy.
Of course, I didn't expect to come straight out of this and be my old self again.
I don't want to fake happiness anymore. I don't want to analyze my way into situations, think about the future of anything or worry about it. I just wish I could feel. Live in the moment.
This is something no one but myself can do. I'm not sure if it's learned, acquired, or developed over time. I'm not even sure anymore...
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