At A Distance

I've talked about this to one (update: two) of my friends and UGH is it bothering me.

I've distanced myself from a lot of people.
Classmates.
Family.
Friends.

Classmates:
Well, you know, there's always a group of kids in every grade that says "our class sucks" ...and I am one of those kids. Back when I had more classes with some of the regular kids and what you'd deem the "populars", I felt so out of place. All they would talk about is "shopping" this and "partying" that and have vapid conversations about topics I couldn't care less about.

I mean, granted, I've noticed they're not ALL bumbling idiots with an IQ the size of their shoes, some care about politics, science, and actually earning their grades and helping others. But when I tried to make friends, I had a feeling all they would do was judge me and my awkward nerditude (and to be honest I'm not even that much of a nerd, interest-wise) and made fun of me both behind and in front of my back.

I mean, just because I don't get wasted every other weekend or have had 15 boyfriends doesn't mean I judge you for doing so. It's your life, bro. I don't hate you. I don't agree with your actions.. but I don't hate you. If you had been nice to me, I would've been nice to you.

Nowadays, it's even cute if you're a nerd, or if you actually study.
Oh, but only if you're hot.
YAY double standards.

My family isn't exactly the one I'd like to have:
When you're Hispanic, you expect everyone to be super close to each other and having each others' backs a lot;  I remember going to my grandparents' every Sunday and getting together with some cousins and just spending time together and having 'fun'. I don't know if it's just me, but everyone seems to want to do their own thing now and now I hate going to their house because all I do is get annoyed by the spoiled and poorly raised (not so) little ones and the arrogance of the adults. And I don't really talk to anyone while I'm there, so why bother.

Friends:
Like I've explained to my friends. I'm still somewhat sensitive and I don't have any classes with them, so when I try to hang out with them I have nothing to contribute and feel out-of-place. So I just lurk and sulk in silence. And just because my brain is a jerk to me, whenever I hang out with them I'm reminded of my depressed times, which I'm trying to avoid altogether.

Everyone's going to end up going their own path anyways, and it just makes me all upset to think so, but we all know it's true.

Also... I spent years not talking to a lot of friends (I have more friends than you think, MOM!) and losing connection with them, people that have never done me wrong and that I miss. I mean it sounds disgustingly conceited but.... There's only one of me to go around (okay I'm done. I'm really not conceited at all) and I can't spend all my time with just one set of friends. I like and I miss everyone, and if I don't have much to talk about with one group, then I'll go be happy with my otherfriends.

I feel like I sound like a jerk right now, maybe I do or don't but I'm just putting my feelings out there.

In between the bouts of melancholy and sudden rushes of hyperactive joy... the violently fluctuating inconstancy of my emotions is too much to handle sometimes.

And I really don't want to be around anyone at all lately, but I do it because I know I need them.

It hurts to force yourself onto others when a voice in your mind is telling you nobody really cares for you, that you're trying too much and that if you weren't trying to spend time with people, no one would try to spend time with you.

And sometimes I feel like people would prove that to be true.

Which I why I'm living life at a distance.