I'm weak.

So I've wanted to talk about this...
It bothered me for a whole week after it happened and I'm pretty much over it but I still feel the need to let it out and get my thoughts out.

For the sake of protecting people,because I somehow still care about him, I'll call him G.

I mean, it's not half a big deal as it was to me at first, but...
Cut to the chase, Novice.

Anyways, I was out, hanging around with a few friends, and it was somewhat late, which is when everyone is outside because it's cooler and dark outside.

I feel kind of like a traitor for writing this on here, because he told me to keep this between us,but that's just weird and I mean I know I shouldn't keep quiet about these kinds of things, but whatever.

I mean, are you catching on yet?

Basically, someone whom I've known for a while, G, asked to hook up and have a casual thing going on with me. He told me I was cute, flirted...

And he got closer to me, I mean he was the one making more than passes at me. I mean it wasn't like I let him get a piece of this hot action (oh GOD NOVICE STOP this is no joking matter) but at one point he flirted a bit too much iykwim.

Oh, did I mention he's older than me by like about 6 or 7 years? (I can almost hear you screaming "Pedo!!!") Yeah. He asked me if I still liked him, and I mean.. he's "bad boy, admire and drool over" attractive, not "want to have a deep, loving and serious relationship with you" attractive. So I said "no, not anymore." (he knew I've had a crush on him for like the longest time)

He's got a reputation, and I, being the kind of person I am, like that. I like troubled guys. I know they're no good for me, but gosh, are they attractive. And wild and carefree, and everything I'm not.

And one part of me was like, "oh, cool. He's interested. Means I'm somewhat attractive, at least enough to catch the eyes of a guy like him. Aw yeah, I've got game" and another part of me was like, "NO don't do it he just wants to deflower you and then make you fall in lust and- Novice wat r u doin.. Novice stahp"

And I just felt so conflicted... Was it my personality: the fun and spazzy awkward, side of me, and is that what made him like me? Or was it all just a big lie to make me go to bed with him?

I thought. And thought.
And I felt like crap.

I've known G for a while, so his sudden new kind of interest in me  (other than sharing music and joking about all kinds of topics) was alarming.

It was a lightbulb moment.
It was different now. I wasn't a girl in his eyes anymore. I wasn't just a friend, a buddy.

I was a body, a target.

It made me uncomfortable. I, being so used to just being friends with people and almost never getting so close as to even being recognized as a female or getting hit on, liked to just chill with whoever and not worry about relationships and sex.

I haven't talked to G lately. Fortunately we haven't crossed paths. My knees get weak when I see him.. I hate it.

I hate knowing that if he really wanted to, he could have taken advantage of me right then and there and that I would be too physically weak to fight him. I hate knowing that even though I know he wouldn't do anything, it could happen with someone else.

And I feel so small and defenseless.
So weak. So vunerable.

Do you know what it's like when someone attractive that you've been admiring for years suddenly asks you if you want to hook up?

When you know that you're like putty in their hands even though you're smarter and wiser than them?

When you know you just might do whatever they say because you want them to like you?

Well do you?

What scares me most is that I'm almost surprised that I turned him down.

Almost.