the life of michelle: Some thoughts for today

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Some thoughts for today

So after a short day of waking up late and biking for 3 hours I thought I would feel good about myself and I've been thinking about maybe dating again even though high school dating for the most part is a joke or simply experimental.

But then I think of the people I've confessed to having feelings for and how I just get friendzoned and it sucks... am I NOT a dateable person?

And it's funny, the people I don't like are the ones who are interested in me (usually creepy, annoying, or forward people) and I feel like a jerk for turning them down... I find irony in that.

I don't know, I feel like finding a casual boyfriend would be bad for me because I get too attached to people who don't care as much about me... and I get hurt easily.

Maybe I'm just hard to love.

I see people who are happy together and sometimes I'm super happy for them and I find them adorable and whatnot; other times I'm really bitter, and I want every publicly affectionate couple on this earth to evaporate into thin air.

I realize how rude and annoying that sounds coming from me, but it's been bothering me for a long time now.
I'm so goddamn afraid of dating in the future. Like, how will I socialize with people, with my awkwardness and lack of social skill and anxieties?

How do I meet people? How do I find the right kinds of people and interact with them and deal with being a slightly-prudish, old-fashioned girl who occasionally likes to go crazy and is, on the inside, almost an entirely different person with a past and just so much about me that no one ever asks to know about?

And how does one build up that kind of trust that I seem to have with only a few people?
I don't know, maybe I'll find a little niche within a year or two if I force myself to join a million clubs and actually get out and invite people to things, but even that scares me.

What. Dating. College. Friend-making. How compute. Life.

2 comments:

Lucia the LunaticFebruary 18, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Just because you pointed it out: I'd like to know about the entirely different person with a past & the bundle of information about you that no one ever asks about. :P
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ExperiencedNoviceFebruary 18, 2013 at 8:34 PM
I was a spy in my home country. I shall disclose no more information. [CONNECTION TERMINATED]
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Song Quotes

"We'll all float on."
"Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say."
"And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day... kinda counted on you being a friend. Can I give it up or give it away? Now I thought about what I wanna say, but I never really know where to go so I chained myself to a friend, 'cause I know it unlocks like a door."
"My gears, they grind more each day, and I feel like they're gonna grind away. And the city blocks, they drive me wild, they're never ending, mile after mile. I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you."
"It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.."
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try."
"I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop."
"We all need somebody to lean on."
"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one, but both of us."
"Nothin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change."
"I took my love down to violet hill... There we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, said 'If you love me, won't you let me know?'"
"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
"If you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time. If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting... time after time."
"If every second counts on a clock that's tickin', gotta live like we're dying."
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon... trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too.. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon?"
"Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing.... you are perfect... to me."
"I want love to roll me over slowly, stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around. I want love to grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground."
"But I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here?!? I don't belong here..."
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like heaven."
"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved..."