Adventure or Trouble?

So things in my life are better than they used to be nowadays; I'm pretty lazy in all my classes again, and know the all the stuff we're learning, so there isn't much for me to do but sit around and think like I always do.

You may ask yourself, "What does she think of?"



Finding a job. Having to start putting actual effort into the college search. Or maybe considering joining the U.S. Forces. Whether I actually want to be single or not. What I even believe in...

My beliefs. Well, my beliefs aren't exactly the same anymore. It's not that I've fallen out of love with the idea of a god that loves me, it's just that I'm just not feeling too spiritual and holy and righteous nowadays. And I don't know if I even want to make the effort.

Must be terrifying for you conservative theists to even think of me giving my morals a real shift, right? (Lemme tell you a little white lie to pacify you: it's probably a teenage crisis, so don't worry)

Anyways, I've been thinking about that and the concept of "sin", and I concluded: it's all really relative, isn't it?

Maybe I've lost the path or maybe I'm secretly a rebel or nonconformist.

ANARCHYINTHEUSA WOOO
*spray-paints walls with (A) symbol*

(Hehe, but...)
...I think about doing something "bad" for the fun of it and I think, it's not bad if I don't have bad intentions, right? Things like drinking and smoking and having sex.

But, what it can lead to sometimes can be unintentionally bad. And that could be generally recognized as a sin or a wrongdoing.

But, what if, I were to do something, consciously aware of the consequences, having consented everyone involved...?

I got the chance to walk home alone today. A single thought popped in my head. It was kind of a bad thought, now that I think of it again, but it was quite tempting at the moment.

What if I had dropped by quickly at G.'s and told him how I had felt for a while after our little encounter happened?

I don't know. Maybe I wanted to hear him say he was sorry. Maybe if I put on the face of a victim or an innocent girl in front of him, maybe he would feel bad for having made me go through a confusing time like that.

But I wasn't too innocent, was I.

I did, after all, flirt with him on other previous occasions. And he didn't seem too oblivious to that.
No, what I wanted was a chance to make him feel just a little bit guilty, only to seduce him afterwards and unveil my fantasies to him.

Oh gosh, sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.

What I wanted was to take back what had been mine, my right and my body, and turn the tables around, establish some control back in my life. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I was not the weakling, or the stupid naïve girl I felt I was. Maybe I was looking for adventure,or maybe I was looking for trouble.

But who knows.

I didn't stop by, and I'm still here,quietly sitting in my bedroom thinking of what I wish I could do and not care about.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave the house on my little bike and visit who I wanted, talk to strangers, go to unexplored places, come home past midnight, and kiss lots of princes without losing the freedom of being a frog.

But I don't think I'm that kind of person.
So who am I?