Growing up.

Today was the day that the Seniors of my school left. So... this is it. I'm a Junior. This is going to be my most hectic year, with colleges to keep in mind, clubs to join, and I just might have to postpone that job I was thinking about getting. It hasn't even completely settled into my mind. The fact that I'm in high school, this is reality, I'm graduating in 2 years, and I'll be off to college in less than the blink of an eye. Life goes by so quickly, you know? But the more you pay attention to the little details, and learn to slow time down for yourself and enjoy those little moments, you realize that time could almost last forever if you wanted it to. And so, it finally settled in that I AM a high-schooler, this IS real, and my life is changing before my very eyes. (I'm going to write something remotely similar yet probably 10 times as long the day of my graduation, so excuse me for starting up the waterworks before the event has even come.) And today was also a very important day for two of my friends. C finally fessed up to her crush, and so did S. Both faced all opposing odds and possible hurt and decided to go ahead and tell them how they felt. And I realized... the guy I like is going to be a senior. Dear God... I mean, technically he IS already, now that they're all gone. All my friends in 11th grade, moving on to become the top of the school. What am I going to do? I've been pondering lately, whether I should tell him or not. Before or after school ends.. you know? If I do it after, then there will be those empty, sad and lonely 2 months of summer and separation, and maybe any feelings either he has or I have will die out by next fall. If I do it before, things might get a little awkward, since we still have 2 weeks of school left. Or there could be a small chance, that you know, he says he likes me too.. but then what? I'm not allowed to date. I'm not asking for a boyfriend at this moment. BUT WHATEVER, I WANT ONE! Finally, after all this time and after so many heartbreaks, am I really going to let this go? It's not even the fact that it's HIM, specifically. It's the fact that I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE with someone like him. The idea of me, dating someone who likes me back for once is just too good to pass up. (Katy Perry's The One That Got Away, anyone?) Am I going to hide my very first boyfriend from my parents? Or will I be the stupid, little good girl like I've always been and follow their wishes? My mother.. she knows about him. She says she approves of me going out with a guy she thinks is good for me, but when I actually mention a name, she gets sketchy and is awkward so... yeah. My dad.. I've started to care a lot less about his opinion since he just has an illogical way of thinking. He expects me to be this small, baby girl who will always be there. It's understandable... but still. It's kind of selfish, if it means ruining my life's experiences growing up. Recently I was invited to my friend, K,'s birthday party. A sleepover. And I ask him and he says... "Well... I'll think about it." In my mind, and because of past experiences, I've gathered that "I'll think about it" translates to, "I'm not going to think about it at all because this subject makes me nervous and I don't want to lose you and please never grow up and we're done talking about this." I'm 16 and I can't even sleep over at one of my close friend's house?!?! So, what are you going to do when I'm freaking 18 and I can legally do what I want? Will you clutch onto my legs and drag across the floor as I beg for you to let go? What about MY freedom, MY right to do what I want? So... I'm not going to be able to stay over. He still gets anxious when I even bring up the topic of parties, let alone BOYS. Oh no, NEVER MARRIAGE. -_- *sigh*

But, whatever. I'm going to decide my future. As much as it hurts me to leave him, leave my mom, my brother and the thought of growing up and getting older scares me and makes me cry, that's the whole point to life and the beauty of it. The chance to experience new things, and take those experiences and learn from them and form something beautiful out of them. All of it forms you. Who you are and who you become. Who you'll influence in life. If I never get the chance to express that now, experience it now with the safety net of my parent's love and support and financial guidance while I still have it, I'll never get to learn. I'll never get to make mistakes and... bleh.

They grow up so fast...