the life of michelle: It goes downhill from somewhere

Monday, April 22, 2013

It goes downhill from somewhere

I just want to disappear from this life like I don't want to die but I don't want responsibilities or work anymore just let me scavenge for my own food and live alone somewhere

My life right now is based upon two extremes: either I am emotionally invested in everything, overthink everything, and stress a lot or I'm careless and seek instant gratification for everything and just not do anything I'm supposed to and be a waste of space and an annoyance

I missed school today to try and catch up on all the work that I haven't done, using "family problems" as an excuse, and even though that's partially true I can't just come out and tell my teacher I'm also a lazy fuck going through some sort of moronic phase that will probably come back by next month.

nobody will believe me but I'm so unmotivated, so constantly tired, I don't know why I can't force myself to finish my work on time and do my chores and be positive. I mean when I do all these things it never lasts, it's just a phase like when you do all your work on time and read ahead in the first few weeks of school and then start slacking as the year progresses.

sometimes I don't want to even take care of myself. My mom has to sometimes shove me into the bathroom to shower, convince me to eat dinner, pull me out of bed every morning and it's like I'm just an invalid except if I were able to move I still wouldn't do much.

I can be a "normal" functioning human sometimes, but I've also noticed that over a year and some months I've been less and less good at being a social being. I have days where I can be happy in the morning and by the next hour I become irritated at all humans and have violent thoughts, without a reason. I'll have times where I intentionally think unhappy thoughts, just to make myself feel comfortable, as contradicting as that sounds.

I feel like I'm just devolving into a mental case who irritates people for fun, inappropriately laughs at people crying, seeks satisfaction in things that shouldn't be satisfying and wants attention from people who are better than her in every way.

But I know I'm not crazy. I can have friends and care about them and I can joke around and tickle my mom and smile at the right times and try to hold my tears when I should and dream of a good future and good grades

At the same time, I'm just letting this shitty side of me take over, enjoying never having to worry, wondering where it will take me if it will even take me anywhere, or just waiting for it to just rid itself of my rotten corpse when it's done with me.

1 comment:

Lucia the LunaticApril 30, 2013 at 8:12 AM
The less you care, the happier you are. This shouldn't apply to all things, such as hygiene and grades, but maybe it will help you in some way.
ReplyDelete
Replies

Add comment

I'M LONELY. You don't even have to sign in as anyone, you could troll the heck out of this blog if you really want to. Even if your comments are irrelevant or you start a comment war with yourself I don't mind.

I'd love to hear from you!

Song Quotes

"We'll all float on."
"Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say."
"And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day... kinda counted on you being a friend. Can I give it up or give it away? Now I thought about what I wanna say, but I never really know where to go so I chained myself to a friend, 'cause I know it unlocks like a door."
"My gears, they grind more each day, and I feel like they're gonna grind away. And the city blocks, they drive me wild, they're never ending, mile after mile. I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you."
"It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.."
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try."
"I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop."
"We all need somebody to lean on."
"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one, but both of us."
"Nothin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change."
"I took my love down to violet hill... There we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, said 'If you love me, won't you let me know?'"
"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
"If you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time. If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting... time after time."
"If every second counts on a clock that's tickin', gotta live like we're dying."
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon... trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too.. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon?"
"Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing.... you are perfect... to me."
"I want love to roll me over slowly, stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around. I want love to grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground."
"But I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here?!? I don't belong here..."
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like heaven."
"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved..."