the life of michelle: can i make it stop or am i just a jerk

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

can i make it stop or am i just a jerk

ughhhhh
honestly just ignore this specific piece of crap that is called a blog post

yo sometimes (not very often, but sometimes) i get so angry and inexplicably aggressive like i want to destroy things like my notebooks and my clothes and pull leaves off trees and smash rocks against walls and yell at people. sometimes i want to tell people that irritate me to back off (even if it's people i usually like) and i feel like i hate everyone because they just disappoint me and i hate myself because i disappoint myself and sometimes i dont like people being around me or talking to me but at the same time i hate pushing them away because i actually do like people

on one hand i really want and need people by my side to prove to myself that im worth something or whatever and because i genuinely enjoy their presence but on the other hand i dont want them to be at my side because then i'll be more irritated and overwhelmed at all the socially appropriate things i have to do and the fact that i have to control myself during these phases

another thing is i really enjoy being sarcastic and depressing when i'm in these phases?/moods? it's almost like i feed off of treating other people badly and it makes me sound like a disgusting leech

sometimes i don't want to be around people because i realize i'm being a shitty person and it's going to hurt my relationships and the people themselves and i hate it because i realize if i'm like this no one is going to ever love me i mean if you look into my life story my attitude has ruined things and makes my life harder quite a lot

it's like i want to be this sadistic, self-pitying jerk but at the same time i don't and i don't understand it i just don't

it's like i can control it but at the same time I can't and it worries me

if this makes you think differently about me... well i could say that i don't care right now and mean it but i probably won't mean it later and i'll regret posting this when i can act like a normal human again

okay thank you sorry

This has been a rant.

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Song Quotes

"We'll all float on."
"Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say."
"And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day... kinda counted on you being a friend. Can I give it up or give it away? Now I thought about what I wanna say, but I never really know where to go so I chained myself to a friend, 'cause I know it unlocks like a door."
"My gears, they grind more each day, and I feel like they're gonna grind away. And the city blocks, they drive me wild, they're never ending, mile after mile. I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you."
"It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.."
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try."
"I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop."
"We all need somebody to lean on."
"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one, but both of us."
"Nothin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change."
"I took my love down to violet hill... There we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, said 'If you love me, won't you let me know?'"
"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
"If you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time. If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting... time after time."
"If every second counts on a clock that's tickin', gotta live like we're dying."
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon... trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too.. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon?"
"Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing.... you are perfect... to me."
"I want love to roll me over slowly, stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around. I want love to grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground."
"But I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here?!? I don't belong here..."
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like heaven."
"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved..."