yet another big rant/feelings sesh/thing

Around this time last year, I became pretty depressed... And I'm not sure whether or not it's happening again. so... I don't know what I'm doing for this post, but I feel really sad and lonely and like a failure recently, so I'm going to ramble this out.

I feel like I'm somewhat important, like my suffering comes so others may learn, may confide in me, may use my experience and my knowledge to help themselves. And that's where I get my strength from, in the end. Others, not myself. I still determine my worth by what others think of me or feel about me (at least those that I care about enough to take their opinions into consideration.)

I've had a lot of bad news hit me over the month. Like a storm of heavy stones, pelting me with great might, only I'm bruising on the inside. I'm not falling apart, because I was never fully put together, I guess. I've snuck sips of alcohol before school and after school (not every day, occasionally) since the start of this school year. I've no intention of becoming an alcoholic, though. I'm too poor and too afraid to become a drug addict. I don't want to depend on something than can only make it worse in the long run, even though sometimes I wonder what it would be like to try something. I'm failing math, I've got C's in my other classes and I've got A's in my elective classes. I hate this stupid system and I hate myself for not wanting to put effort into school. I dread walking into Calculus because I love the teacher and I hate disappointing her and sleeping during lessons and being completely lost and behind in that class. I'm not sure where I'm going to college or if I'll get in at all, because of financial insecurities and family stuff and my own mental instability right now.

I keep having daydreams where I die in different ways and it feels nice when I do... Except I don't want to be dead.

I want to have a family and I want to snuggle up to my husband every moment I can and tell him all my deepest fears and darkest secrets and I want to make him laugh at least once every day. I want to kiss him and be silly and as dirty as I want without being afraid of being judged. I want to arrange cute dates where we hide away in a park and just enjoy the scenery and each other's company. I want someone who makes me want to cook and clean the whole house if I have to, and that's saying a lot, since I'm the mental/emotional total opposite of a housewife. I want to have a job I love and make beautiful things that make people feel things. I want to make people cry until they laugh and laugh until they cry. I want to have a little boy or a little girl or two, three children, I don't know. I want to hold them in my arms and sing them lullabies. I want to kiss their cuts and bruises and cry when they go off to school for the first time. I want to drive them around town to wherever they need to go until I'm cranky and tired and look like a mommy mess. I want to watch them change as they go through puberty and become young adults with their own thoughts and beliefs and passions and dreams. I want to teach them everything I've learned and hope they experience life as much as they can and I want them to want to make the world better, even if only a little bit.

If there was a way to leave behind all this sadness and all the bad things that have ever happened to me, I might feel better. If only for the moment. I know that everything I've ever experienced, both the bad and the good, has made me into the person I am. And that person's someone that people I like, like.

I haven't found someone who's hopelessly, unconditionally, and ridiculously fallen in love with that person yet. I don't know if I ever will, and that scares me. I tell myself that love will come to me eventually, and that I should just let things happen. Just when I think something's working out it turns 180 on me and I'm both more reluctant than before to fall in love but also more desperate to find someone who loves me and will always love me. I'm not going to get into a relationship for the hell of being in one, but it would really be nice if I could find that special person.