the life of michelle: April 2014

Monday, April 21, 2014

update of a struggling senior

What's new news in the life of Michelle?

~~still maybe probably not graduating~~ oh wait you said new news

I'm going to that prom thing in A MONTH?? WAIT- HOLY SHIT.
I have a date.
That date is my (sorta) new boyfriend. (!?!?)
My last high school concert is coming up in about two weeks and I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY READY
I got evaluated for a psychologist and I signed some docs but I have yet to meet up with one?
...hm.. I'm not even sure what you blog readers know or don't know anymore. Sorry I'm not on here that often, I've abandoned you for the wasteland called Tumblr.

So here's the real deal.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm functioning right now. Even the things that are supposed to make me happy fail at times. I've gotten "talks" from the Dean and my Gifted advisor and guidance people because of my failing grades. "You're such a bright girl and we want you to graduate and we know you can" is floating around in my head and cuts me up from the inside. As much as I'd like to graduate on time with the rest of my friends, I'm really doubting it'll happen, because I've sunk myself so deep into this ditch of fear and doubt, and the condition of insufficiency is one that I live in now.

It's not so much that I'm too proud to look for help or ask for it, because I feel like I don't deserve it. And I know that I don't, to some extent. I haven't been managing my time at all and turn to stupid things to distract myself from my responsibilities, fears, from the inevitable, from everything that is coming crashing down upon me. I'm just not good enough, and I'm scared and embarrassed to ask for help.

I'm wondering if it was too late to ask for a psychologist, you know, before all this shit has happened.

I'm wondering it it is too late to fix years of damage and self-loathing, not taking responsibility for myself years ago, all my bad habits and secrets.

The curse of paradoxical living: being mentally beyond my age but at the same time very young, a late bloomer; of accepting the imperfection yet comparing myself to it; everything affecting me so deeply to the point where nothing affected me at all.

I'm wondering if the failures aren't really the product of a not-so-perfect family and not-so-perfect genes, but instead mostly my fault.

Whether or not I want it to come, there's going to be a moment when I have to face this. Whether it's in a couple hours, when the school day starts again and I make the first significant step towards turning everything around, or whether it's after I don't graduate and face summer school, or whether it's somehow over the next four weeks when I somehow manage to take everything broken and assemble something barely acceptable enough to help me get my diploma, maybe figure out my life from there, or whether it's some point in my life years from now when I really grow up. Maybe it won't be just a moment. Maybe it'll be a series of challenges and obstacles, going up 1 and falling down 2, until I'm strong and smart and have enough luck and pixie dust to keep going up and up to get out of this ditch. I can't bring myself just up and leave, neither literally nor figuratively (neither from this home nor this town nor this life I have).

I think one of the hardest things for me to go through is seeing friendships fall apart. Not mine necessarily, but everyone's around me. Boy, are some of these relationships irreparably toxic. Also, pressures? Knowing underclassmen that are even more pressured than my class was to take the most challenging courses and participate in the most extra-curriculars and dealing with their own personal problems while still getting enough sleep and being not just academically prepared and confident, but also emotionally? The academic integrity of some of my peers was unfortunately very lacking but I guess that's life. I wish it weren't.

With all the emphasis on graduating and getting into the most prestigious colleges and getting the best jobs, people make it seem like it's all about the destination, when really it's a lifelong journey.

Well, I'm getting rambly again.

Since I like to end my posts with either a hopeful message or a thought provoking idea, I'll leave you with this:

Who is living your life?
Is it really you? Is it something outside you? Your parents or guardians? Your peers? Social expectations? Something you can't control? Something you can? Something within you? Or something else?

Song Quotes

"We'll all float on."
"Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say."
"And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day... kinda counted on you being a friend. Can I give it up or give it away? Now I thought about what I wanna say, but I never really know where to go so I chained myself to a friend, 'cause I know it unlocks like a door."
"My gears, they grind more each day, and I feel like they're gonna grind away. And the city blocks, they drive me wild, they're never ending, mile after mile. I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you."
"It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.."
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try."
"I'd rather be a comma, than a full stop."
"We all need somebody to lean on."
"Someday, I will be strong enough to lift not one, but both of us."
"Nothin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change."
"I took my love down to violet hill... There we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, said 'If you love me, won't you let me know?'"
"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
"If you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time. If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting... time after time."
"If every second counts on a clock that's tickin', gotta live like we're dying."
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself, talking to the moon... trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side, talking to me too.. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon?"
"Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing.... you are perfect... to me."
"I want love to roll me over slowly, stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around. I want love to grab my fingers gently, slam them in a doorway, put my face into the ground."
"But I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here?!? I don't belong here..."
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like heaven."
"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved..."